Tears and Fist

Tears. its my enemy right now. Been fighting it the whole day. Why?

1. FELDA hasnt bank in my allowance yet. I need damn money so much to settle everything before going back for good.

2. Today is my last counselling session. Jodie has been a very good listener to me and im gonna miss her.

3. Eveything that I planned ruined because of that money. This week is my last week in melbourne and i want it to be great but...Im so furious.

4. I dont wanna leave this town. I have a great life here. For me I start my real life in this cozy place and Im gonna miss it so much.

5. Lots of thing cant be settle down not only because of the money but also because this one particular *****. after talk to my counselor, I thought I want to have peace and confront her but tonight she did it again. She alienated me. She thinks she can throw me away just like that make me totally not exist. Well, she got it wrong cause one day I'll be back and god knows what i'm gonna do to her so called perfect little life and thats the promise!

Silent night

Dark Toyota Prius drove through North-South highway roaring at 140mph, broken the sound of silent night. The driver, middle aged woman wearing white long sleeve custom tailor shirts, like others career woman love to wear.

She smiles and laugh at the deejay canny jokes and happily sing along the played songs. Bring out the memories of the incredible meeting, million dollar contract that almost in her hands. million dollar contract that only she, can pull off.

She glance at the clock, 10 minutes past 9. She cant wait to come home, to her beautiful kids and of course to her good-for-nothing husband. Well, she used to love him but as the time goes by love fades away, like paint on the wall, like flowers that wither. Never mind, she thinks, she got her 2 little angels, money and great career, she dont need him but why they still together? That, she not sure.

The sound of silver Waja past her, throwing her back to reality. Feel challenged, she hits the speed pad, digits increased to 150 mph, then she wins the unofficial race. Thats the second triumph for her today, after million dollar contract. A woman manage to bind a contract from overseas company, that will profit million or manybe billion. Everyone praise her,ask her how she do it.

Its not easy of course considering the time she spends at the office everyday, the time that she supposed to spend raise up her kids. She feel guilty, convince herself they will understand, someday. Someday, they will say "my mom, is an incredible businesswoman, the next Malaysia's iron lady."

Ahh, she blushing and giggling such a girl at first date.

Bamm!!

She press the break, tyre stretching and the car stops. What was that? Her heart pounding fast. Now, the silent wrapth her in confusion. She sees a body, and blood. being wise woman she always is, she pick up phone dial 999.

Wait. What if she just start the engine and drive away? No one sees this, right. Then, her conscience knock. She reports the accident. What possibly could go wrong? She can pay for hospital bills, if the girl is not dead. or did she? She steps outside, walk to the jane doe, blood all over, gathering up her last courage to feel the wrist.

She stumble back, stare at the dead body. What have she done?

The sirens coming fast and loud. soon, the night not so quite anymore, crowded with cops and paramedics.

 And she just staring to the space, nothing in her mind, no million dollar contract, no smiling kid, not even her good-for-nothing husband.

Why this happen when Everything just so perfect.

See

My friend once told me,
why would people know you hurt if you dont tell them there is thorn in your shoes.
 Yes, people can know if they look carefully, that i was limping and my face pale.
 If they really looking, they may know.
Sometimes, pain are too hard to describe and
your only hope is someone notice it
before you are bleed to death.

First Love

Dear love,

The beautiful first love, the innocence, the fun.

At that time, we thought Love is all that matter.
then we grow up, realize world is a big place. Many things exist, not only you and me. We have a dreams, we draw our futures.

In mine, there is you but...Yours have no me. we break apart. You chase your dream while I'm standing still watching you. How I wish I can walk with you. How I wish to be there through thin and thick.  no, you are too busy, mending your future. You dont see me.


You said you love me bu t you have to block those feeling. You afraid I become distraction. Those words slice my heart. Why? Why I cant be the woman behind a success man?

I lost you cause all the pressure I put you on. I'm sorry. its because I really love you and I care about you. I'm sorry.

I cant wait till all your dreams come true. I'm afraid all the waiting will be regret.

I need a man who gonna grow old with me, Hold my hand in this journey, Catch me when I'm fall, who make me believe in life again.


My first love, I cant take another step towards you.

Let stop before our love become ugly,before innocence die, before we lost all the fun.

Lot of love
Missysecret

Suicide

There is time, when everything is too much
there is also time, when nothing is enough

I receives a lot of love and thought it will get me through the day but
what comes is the guilty feeling, drive me to the corner, push me to the edge.

the urge to run away, far far away, to a place of no past keep intrigue me but will the past can be really forgotten?  Maybe move to another world will, but definitely that world is deep under pit. I keep asking what I should do, what I shouldnt do?

Why after all the stories that i told, still it feels like no one cares? But they do cares.

So, I open my eyes wide open, push myself up, trying to walk. It hurts. Its not easy. I walk like nothings matter. Some people starts to show up, try to love me but honey its too late. Your sincerity do not make my hearts warm but sets it in fire. Why now?Why its only now?

Even now, 1000 words cant comprehend you my fall.

I'll not look back. Please dont ask me to stop. Please dont tell I choose wrong path. Please dont shut me back into that dark room.

This beautiful song/video is from Rascal Flatts. Some people thinks suicide is for the weakling. They didnt help, they didnt care. They just look.

"I thinks its easy for people to say suicide's not the answer when they've never known what it feels like to be pushed to your limits and past. When you fight to find a reason to keep going. And once you cant find that reason anymore, its just not worth the fight. But I think the fight is what makes us strong enough to keep going. Life's gonna push you, but how hard you push back is what matters. I'm still pushing back, and I think it's going to be worth it." - ShayDeLuca

She save my life

Step one She ask "how are you?"
I sigh and give the best smile I can 
but the tears want to fall down too
As her blue eyes see right through me
Some sort of window to her right
Trying to get hold of myself
Between the line of fear and sad
I begin to wonder why I came

Then I said:
"Where did I go wrong, I lost my friends,Somewhere along I lost myself
and I stayed up all night
crying and singing the melody of loneliness
Had I known how to save my life."


Let Her know that I dont know anymore
Cause after all I dont know anymore
Try to slip past my wrongdoing
without granting innocence
Lay down a list of my mistake,their mistake
The things I've told many all along
but no one hears me
and no one feels me


Where did I go wrong?
I almost lost everything 
Somewhere along the laziness
And I stayed up all night 
had I known things turn this way


As she begin to ask questions
I fall deep in thoughts
Grant her an answer that I've been kept for so long
Drive me to the center of my heart
and crash all the fears inside
She do one of two things
She admit I was right 
instead saying everything is my fault
and I begin to feel glad I came

Where did I go wrong?
I lost my friends
Somewhere along the in the bitterness
And I had stayed all night 
Just to feel lonely


Where did I go wrong?
I lost myself
Somewhere along the loneliness
And I had stayed all night
Just to cry again and again


She makes it right
I found myself back
Somewhere along the words we said
And I stayed up with her all hour
then She saved my life
then She saved my life


**This is when I start having my counseling session. Some may realise that the words seem familiar. This is my answer for the song "How to save a life" by The Fray.. Here the link for the song : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd07loOpcjw

Boyce avenue version is great too..

FooL

I feel like a FOOL!!!!!

After weeks of depression, finally I step in to my lab but unfortunately, they have done a lot of programming and all of that is related to assignment. Therefore, I cant do my assignment. The lab instructor is being really helpful, teach me each and every stuff, even write me some of the codes. It makes me feel very stupid, useless. I cant even write the simplest code. He (lab instrctor) must be wonder how I pass all the programming subject during my 2nd year. The truth is, I have some of the sample codes from my senior. I just need to change or add here and there.

I like my lab instructor. Someday, I hope I can speak the same language he speaks (programming language).

Seriously, what should I do to be better in programming?

Dream - Emotion

They say that dream can show your state of mind, especially if you can remember the feeling when you having that dream.

Today, I had this dream :

"I was at the factory and everyone(someone that i know but not a friend) is busy doing their work. I came as a visitor with my friend(a man but I dont remember his face) so I didnt know to do anything. They are too busy that they ignore me so I do things on my own. However what I did is wrong, I got scared and angry too, as they being so cold and didnt help me. I decide to go somewhere else and ask of the cost of the damaged product. To my surprise, she said, its ok, I dont have to. After out from that factory, I had to climb a very high and unstable natural stairs. Every steps that I took make the stairs to crumble, likely to fall. My boyfriend and my friends can make it. He waits for me at the end of the stairs. Somehow, I give up as I almost fall down, so he climbs down, stay with me until I feel ok again. And I feel happy, he will take my hand and encourage me to climb again. During the climb, I really afraid and keep out of breath. I was so tired, dont have stamina to climb anymore but he was there, at the top of the stairs, waiting, smiling at me. Finally I make it. I walk to my school, went to my class, neglecting bossy prefects. My other classmate was hiding from the prefects. After all the prefects went away, my classmate come out and we about to have a fight with others school. I also involve in a fight. I had an embarrassing moment and my opponent (3boys) laugh at me. I change my clothes and keep fighting. I'm not a good fighter so I dont know if I can win. Nevertheless I still fighting until the teachers came and break the fight."

When I wake up, I remember the scary feeling when I lost my stamina as I climb the stairs. Then I decide to do something that I have in my mind for quiet sometime. Jogging. But because I didnt jog for a long time, so I start with a walk for 20 minutes. I want to keep doing it after this.

I feel weird thinking about the guy that  help me because it seems that I always rebel towards him, always sulking but he stay with me no matter what. If only there is someone like that in my life right now, I'll be lucky.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

SELAMAT HARI RAYA KEPADA SEMUA UMAT ISLAM SELURUH DUNIA. MAAF SEKIRANYA SAYA ADA BUAT SILAP KEPADA SESIAPA.

Hari Raya selalunya disambut dengan gembira, tapi diri ini terasa begitu sunyi. Bukan kehendak hati xnak pergi bertakbir raya dengan kawan2 di Clayton tpi kerja menggunung. Sudah lah 2 minggu xdatang kelas langsung, so banyak la yang nak kena study. Lagipun, xnak lah menjawab soalan2 atau membalas pandangan2 pelik diaorang. Walau sejuta alasan yang diberi, mereka xkan faham apatah lagi untuk menerima. Nanti hati ni juga yang sakit.

Kemarahan memang membuak-buak, tapi harus dipendam semua itu kerana jika tidak semakin banyak masalah yang timbul. Benar, bukan senang orang nak terima apa yang kita lakukan sekiranya memang terbukti berdosa. Namun, yang sangat terkilan ialah kerana ada yang menyatakan kesalahan itu terang-terangan. Tidakkah mereka tahu, perasaan bersalah memang sentiasa dalam diri ini. Baru kini mereka mendekati, menyatakan rasa bersalah membiarkan aku hanyut dalam tekanan. Sekaligus meminta aku datang kepada mereka sekiranya ada masalah. Xkanlah aku nak jumpa semua orang yang aku kenal ceritakan masalah aku,. Xkanlah nak pergi ke hulu hilir dengan air mata. Kenapa tidak mereka yang datang kepada aku?

Bukan aku pendam semua duka yang ada. Aku beritahu hampir semuanya kepada Ila, tapi Ila sendiri tertekan dengan pelajaran dia. Dia juga sibuk, berusaha keras untuk kekal di Monash. Malah Ila dah cukup baik mendengar setiap luahan, cerita aku tanpa mengeluh atau rasa bosan. Kehadiran dia cukup bermakna dalam hidup aku.
Aku juga selalu meluahkan rasa jiwa dalam blog ini, Kak Alia pembaca tetap sentiasa prihatin dengan aku. Walaupun dia xpernah komen, tapi aku  tahu dia sealu baca. Itu sudah cukup membuktikan dia kawan yang baik untuk aku.
Selain itu, Amal dan Adidah juga selalu berkunjung ke rumah. Kadang2 aku ke rumah mereka. Aku jarang cerita masalah kepada mereka tapi mereka memeriahkan hidup aku kat sini. Termasuk juga junior2 yang sentiasa peramah dan melayan aku dengan baik.

Bagi mereka yang tertinggal, yang semakin hilang dari hidup aku, janganlah rasa bersalah. Jangan juga mudah keluarkan kata2 tanpa memikirkan perasaan orang yang mendengarnya. Aku punya hati dan perasaan. Malah dalam keadaan sekarang, hati aku sangat rapuh, mudah terguris, mudah juga menangis. Cukuplah semua masalah yang ada sebelum ini. Janganlah ditambah. Sekiranya tidak mampu memahami, diam dan lihat sahajalah. Aku takut sekiranya mereka terus menekan, aku akan terus meninggalkan mereka. Kebahagiaan aku adalah keutamaan aku sekarang.

Maaf sekali lagi sekiranya bahasa yang diguna agak kasar. Tapi aku xmampu lagi menahan sakit hati ini, sedih jiwa ini, sendirian. Tiap2 hari menangis, boelh bengkak mata.

"Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika,
berada di tempatku,
membayangkan pahit manis berlalu,
xsiapa yang tahu.

Mungkin nanti jua,
merasakan berdepan dengan kata menyesakkan,
xkan kubumu kebal, tiada pertimbangan.

Keheningan malam membayangkan,
kepayahan jiwa meluahkan,
andai kau jujur memahami,
tiada ku menjauhi,
dan kisahku yang masih panjang,
menambahkan berat yang memandang,
lantasku pendam, kuputuskan, biarlah rahsia." - Biarlah Rahsia.

The pain

I've been busy explaining my act to many people especially those who close to me so that they dont misunderstood me.
What kind of answer I got? The same. None of them really accept me, they accept my decision because they cant go against me. Because if they did, they will lose me forever.
All this time, I've been around talking, easing other people pain. I look things in other people view.

How about my pain? Who gonna ease it for me?
Who gonna look at my point of view.

I'm tired. I've so many problems in my life.

All of them said that they feel sad. They think I'm happy? Stop look at me with that sad eyes. Stop saying you sad. but yes, they are right. I'm at fault and I'm only.

Road less taken

As I turn into different direction, feeling so helpless, hopeless
you keep asking for reasons of my choice.
How would I know if the road will lead me to destination, when I never been there?
Why you asking too many question, argue over many thing when you know I'm exhausted?


Yes, I'm confuse, dont ever know what is right and wrong anymore.
Dont you never feel the same?
Maybe you dont, You are strong, I'm weak
Yes I'm weak so why keep pushing me
cant you see I already fall scattered around.

No you dont see, cause I never show.
Again its my fault..and you nowhere to be blame.

When I cry, when my face strain with pain
You keep arguing, talking like I'm all okay.
i'm not like you, never like you.

What point of screaming if no ones listen to me?
What point of explaining if no ones accept it?

I walk down this road,hoping for comfort.
but you nowhere to be found
So i keep walking
With a pieces of broken heart

If you cant heal this wound,
just look at it
dont rub a salt on.

Cant you just give me your hand
walk with me
saying everything all right
saying its ok to be afraid
even it means you lying
If dishonesty can bring peace to my heart
Why cant you just give me...cause I will never blame you..forever

Rejection

Have you ever feel rejected? feel unbelong? I had..

Its happen when I'm in college. I close to my housemate,Ad (not real name). We always walk to the class together, having lunch and dinner together. She is funny, happy-go-lucky and like to do crazy things. Well, I'm the opposite character. Things change when she starts drive to school. Of course, I carpooled with her. She begins to get out more and I cant come with her all the time. I lack of time and money. She going out with other friends (fai, day, cid and fi) and and because I always left out, I start to fall apart from them, from her. There is no topics that involve me anymore and there is a lot of secrets between them. Slowly, I start to part away from them. They make me feel unbelong to that group.

I remembered, I was in my fai's(one of the member of that group) room. Suddenly, day come in being all excited. She said she wants to talk to fai alone, so I walk out. As soon as I step out, day slam the door shut, in front of my face. My heart crush. 

Another incidents, they accidently said something about going out to this place. Fi said that there is available space for anyone to come along. The other's face kind of shock. I feel that it suppose to be a secret and fi doesnt know it that she should not discuss it in my presence. After moments of awkwardness, fai said the car is full.I understand they dont want me to come along even without fai saying anything. She shouldnt lie to me saying the car is full because I'm not a fool!

Feeling more rejected as the time pass by, I walk away from them. I no longer carpooling, walk by myself to the class. Going to lunch and dinner by myself. Its hard to be alone but its even harder to be lonely everytime I with them. Swallow all the pain, cry myself out in the blanket, in the shower. Cry without making any sounds. My world cramble. I'm breaking. I will never forget the pain.

The guy that I like, never like me, choose someone totally different from me. The guy that I love, leave me and give such stupid reason think that I will buy it.

After series of rejection, I dont have confident anymore in any kind of relationship. Yes, I'm broken inside. I fall into the pieces so dont blame me when I overreacted, oversensitive.

Dont leave me when I change, become someone else. Dont dismiss me so easily. I dont have any strength to fight. Cant you just accept me? Dont make me turn away from you. I need you, more than everything.

I know what I did is wrong and too sudden. You need time to accept me, but dont make me wait too long, I'm afraid I cant stand it anymore.

I'm angry, I'm confuse, I'm afraid, I rebel.

The Forest

Simple yet complex, shallow yet deep. Its what I describe G.Callen, the center of attention of NCIS:LA. He is an easy going person,always smile and seems problem less.At first, his character isn’t too stunning except for his pair of blue eyes. However, when you think you understand him, he struck a mystery light upon you. Someone that you need to study everyday. Like a forest, that keep its mystical treasure deep inside and to reach there, you have to be brave and adventurous.

I have a friend that show similarities trait like Callen. She’s a quiet person but always smile. Its easy to befriend with her but when I try to get closer , there is something in her that I cant lay my hand on. I remembered, I had to tell her half of my whole life story before she starts tell hers history.There is time, I thought she just forget everything that I told her because she never mention any part of it but surprisingly she do remember. She always listen to my story and never prejudice to me even I reveal my bad self. Everytime she tell me her story or her thinking, she make me wonder and make me reevaluate her again.  She is not what she seems to be. In the future, I believe she will transform to a new person, like she did before. and I want to be with her when its happen.

“ the only thing I know, is that  I know nothing” – Socrates

p/s forgive me if its confusing and not very well written, english isnt my mother tongue. its 1 am in the morning and my brain too tired too think.

btw, if you read this my ‘mystery’ friend, you are not a boring person because you never fail to amuse me.

Children

NCIS season 7 episodes 7 : end game

This episode shows child exploitation by one government to turn them into an assassin. The assassin that get train from early age makes them so damn good and what matter more is they never object the order from the boss thinking that the boss that fed them. This episodes remind me of 'Salt', a CIA agent that had a secret training at soviet union's 'spy factory'.

Why children easy to exploit? - They dont know nothing about the world so someone teach them about this world using guns, bombs. They only know how to kill.

Why 'someone' did that? - To win the war, to harness power. They become untouchable.

Children in the warzone country become the victim of gun and bomb by grown-up army.
Children in a poor country become walking bones while the politician looks like santa claus except they not so generous.
There is also children that forcefully become unpaid labor and the company making billion from that.
Some become apart of syndicates, become begger or unofficial salesman.

and worse of all - parents that abandon their own child, throw their baby into the rubbish bin, beat their children like a beast. Even lion love their own child, so whay human became unhuman?

one word : sadistic.

to those who ever experience any kind of mistreated from their parents or society :

"Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined but the path we follow is always our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectation of the others to set the frontier of our destiny.Your destiny cant be changed, but it can be challenged" - McGee, NCIS

Friend

Many movies,dramas and novel, either fiction or non-fiction, the word 'friend' always in it. Friendship and love relationship is one of the most important relationship in human life.

Who is friend? What is friendship? The answer is different for each individuals.

For me, friend is someone there through thin and thick, someone that I can talk about myself a lot.

I know many people but not all of them is my friend and that is why I really treasure friendship. I'll do nothing to sabotage it. However, life is not as simple as ABC and sometimes it drive you crazy.

For many reasons, I had walk away from many my friends life. It hurts, it tears me apart.i never had a choice. Maybe my thinking is too rasional, you may say "come on, life is short, just forget and forgive", but its never easy for me. That the main reason, I dont have much friend.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear my friend, my sister,
I make a mistakes by throwing you away but i never mean it that way, I just want you understand what situation you put me in. Do you even notice? if yes, why keep it shut all this time? Time passed. I'm still waiting for you to come back and I always here whenever you need me. I never far, you are.

"Thats what a friend is for, when your lost in darkness and searching for the light, to help you through those lonely nights, when everything around you fails just hold out your hand, and i'll come running, thats what a friend is for." - Marty Keith

Now, I lost in the darkness, why dont you help me through this lonely night like I did to you years ago.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The End

we meet again after so many years
after all the things that happend
yet you say nothing..

Glad you still appreaciate our friendship
where else can you friend like me
always accept you

Little that you know
I had to accept it to not to lose you
but the truth is I already lose you

Cant you see?
I'm in a pain
seeing you..talk to you
being cool
pretend i'm strong

From the start, I mean nothing to you
and from now on, you mean nothing to me too...
not even as a friend

and thats how my love story end.

saat ini...

saat ini..aku ingin pinjam senyummu, tawamu,keyakinannmu, kewibawaanmu..

saat ini..aku ingin kamu di sisi menjadi tempat bersandar

saat ini...aku ingin kamu BUATKU TERSENYUM

untuk kamu mnza!

Program

8/9/10 Julai ni InsyaAllah,akn diadakn program motivasi anjuran batch 05/06 SMTK. Lama da sebenarnya merancang tpi kali ni bru nmpk geraknya. Kali pertama perkra ni dicdgkn,rmai menyokong tpi pastu senyap..aku da siap bncang ngan ckgu tpi tup2, sume org(except few la) wat xtau..last2 xjadi. Malu gila aku ngan ckgu suria,seolah2 mcm tin kosong. Bunyi gedegang-gedegung tpi hampeh xde isi.

Kali kedua dorg timbulkan isu ni, aku mula2 cam mals nak lyn sbb aku tahu,manusia ni kdg2 ckp je pndi, buatnye x, especially org melayu (termasuk la aku) tpi bila dikenang blik aku da pnah ckp kat ckgu suria nak wat program tu, rasa mcm xptut la pulak kalau xbuat. So, aku pun berusaha jlnkan program tu. Dari mula, aku xmenaruh hrpn tggi pun dorg2 yg lain nak bgi komitmen 100%..dorg kan busy ngan study, ngan LI dan mcm2. Tpi bila amik2 nama, alhamdulillah ramai gak la yg nak dtg.

Then, bila program ni da hampir pada tarikhnya, dlm usaha nak tmbhkan bilgn fasi, ada la pulak yg trik diri, ada yg dtg lambat. Aku faham dorg ada alasan2 tersendiri n semua ni mmg xleh nak dielakkan. Aku faham...aku faham. sedaya mungkin aku praktikkan empathy yg aku pnah blaja dulu

Sebagai seorg ketua, aku kena kuat, aku xleh cuak,aku akn buat yg terbaik dan gunakan semua yg ada utk pastikan program ni berjaya. Bgi mereka yg xdpt dtg program, aku doakan kejayaan dorg dlm segala yg dorg lakukan. Walau sejuta halangan,aku xkan hmpakan harpan cikgu dan kwn2 yg telah bersusah payah membantu melaksanakan program ni. InsyaAllah, we will find our way!!

pengajaran yg aku dpt dr program ni ialah, tiada tempat pergantungan yg lebih baik dr ALLAH. Kuantiti xmenggambarkan kualiti, jadi dengan berbekalkan apa yg ada, kami akan keluarkan yg terbaik. program ni sebenarnya utk fasi2,utk mereka blaja ttg tanggungjwb dan keikhlasan,at least itu yg aku rasa aku blaja dan aku hrp2 itu juga yg kwn2 aku blaja. Aku sedar aku bukan ketua yg baik ataupun bagus tpi setidaknya aku berani mencuba dan xlari dr tanggungjwab. Please Allah, help and guide us..

Fear

I'm afraid and I'm trying to ignore it..
I dont have the courage
I know I need help but I dont know where to get it..

I try to tell others bout what I feel but not at the full extent...
I really dont know what to do..
This fear start controlling my life...

What I really afraid of..I dont know

is that only electronic or actually the future?
If I cant conquer the basic electronic, my future will be doom because I'm an electrical engineering student
its ridiculous to be afraid of circuits and wires..i know thats not what i'm afraid of.

what I really fear?

Today I have a lab experiment, if I absence again like i did half of the time, I'll fail this subject.
FELDA will be furious.
I have to face all this, I know but i'm afraid

everytime I think or face anythg about electronic,
my hand shaking
my eyes teary
my face pale
my brain cant think anything
i feel helpless
i feel so afraid
like falling in a deep dark sea

Only I can overcome this but I need courage
A real courage, that I believe had leaving myself
I need someone to help me be strong again
strong enough to fight this fear
but everyone is too busy
mending their own business
of coz,for their own survival
we are indeed alone in this world

My sleep time is increase...
i know why
because i cant face the reality
i rather live in dream world

this stress make me hard to fall asleep
even harder to wake up.

I need help..I cant say it with my mouth,its difficult to express my feeling in front of others.

God, help me before this fear consume all of me and I have nothing to live on...

Human in Me

Under the shadow of the night
I found the human in me

An ordinary human
that question the meaning of life
the meaning of my own existence.

Do I like a wind? complete yet empty
Maybe a star, luminious just from a far.

I stand on my ground
I seek advice, only when I intent to abide
I seek truth, at time of courage
Do I resemble earth? or perhaps sand?

When there is no more hope
I wrapped by fear
Let I shed bloods, tears and sweat
than surrender to devil.

The human in me
lacerate my heart
As I live myself in ignorant

**This poem is a mess just like me.

My Korean Idol

Korean wave had hit many countries. Boy/girl band or rather call idol grows like mushrooms after the rain. However, my favorite idol from many years ago until now will always be DBSK/TVXQ.

DBSK or in hangul Dong Bang Shin Ki made their debut on December 26, 2003 during a Boa and Britney Spears showcase, where they performed their debut single "Hug" and an acapella rendition of "O Holy Night" with BoA but thats not the first time I watch DBSK.

I start my korean wave when I was 14 years old and the big fan of Won Bin (merely because of his face at that time). Year later, I fall in love with Korean drama 'Lovers in Paris', the highest rating korean drama until now. Since then, I watch many korean drama and listen to many korean songs.

The first idol group I like is Super Junior but because of their inconsistency during live performance I stop listen to them. I prefer a singers that can sing better in live compare to studio version. DBSK is the answer of my yearning.

DBSK not only consist of 5 gorgeous guys. If you think handsome dude cant sing well, you should listen to DBSK songs. You will be impress!!Member of DBSK :

Yunho(leader), Jaejoong,YooChun, Junsu and Changmin. All of them have a different voices and you can distinct their voices without watching them perform.

Yunho is the base and he usually sing bottom part and rap. As a leader, Yunho is the representive of the group and many people said Yunho has the charisma as the leader and always protect his group member.

Jaejoong has a very great voice and you can see how much his voice grow after many years. Its hard to describe his voice but how I see it is, in ballad song, Jaejoong voice can melt your heart. its so smooth and fascinating. When hit a high note, Jaejoong can go really high. He is a versatile singer, ballad or rock, he can deliver it really well only sometimes he need to control his voice. Having a beautiful yet manly face also smashing body, make Jaejoong full package singer.

Yoochun, I can say he had a very unique voice. At first, I dont think he can sing but then after listening more to his part, I think his voice very attractive. I really love him when he hit high note. His voice become husky and when he sings together with Jaejoong, their voice blend really well.

Junsu. Well, since the beginning Junsu really perform very well. His voice can go very low and very high. He can really control his voice and that make him a very good singer.

Changmin, the youngest but the most powerful especially when he hits high note. SM(their company) always give high part (or scream part) to Changmin and he never fail to deliver it. Sometimes I feel sorry to Changmin, he must feel tired. Eventhough his good at that part, he can sing really well and a great singer like other member. Changmin also has a model bodybuild. He is tall and charming.

Overall, DBSK is the best korean Idol I ever come across. Their harmony everytime they sing together is undeniable. You can see their energy in their dance, and sincerity in their singing. They deliver every sing full heartedly without thinking about their image and appearance.

The best Group ever, and my Favorite Group ever DBSK!!

***I never learn bout music or vocal, the comment is basedly on my feeling and thinking.

My world

i've been living this world according to myself. Regardless of others, i make my own decision.

When my little world tremble,there is no one to blame except myself, and it makes me feel so lonely.

Things getting difficult day by day. I wish I have someone to lean on....

Ridiculously romantic 2

(Cont...)

The next film I watch is 'The Switch'. Its a very unique story of a typical theme. This film show about a neurotic guy which dont want to take any risk of telling his best-friend his love toward her. But, fates are not so cruel. One crazy idea if having a kid without make love or in other word have experimental kid and one drunk-then-accidentally-spill bring them together. 7 years past, and they meet again. The guy so drunk dont remember anything bout the sperm accident, the women clueless. However curiosity arised when they see how similar the kid to the guy, physically and mentally. and the similarities make guy and kid get close and bond a special relationship called father-son. As usual, it had a simple and happy ending.

Lastly, I want to talk about a film named 'Life as we know it'. The couple relationship start with hatred but a cute baby named sophie and a beautiful house bring them together. Sophie is their bestfriends daughter. When their bestfriends died in a car accident, they become sophie's caretaker. Like other magic story of a baby/kid bring couple together, its practically the same to this movie only that they have no blood bond with the baby. Its really typical but fun and sweet to watch not to mention how hot both the actor and the actress are.

After sometime, a romantic comedy film genre can be very predictable but i never tired of watching this cause its have different humor and always sweet.. :))

ridiculously romantic

firstly i'm not a romantic person, i had a problem in expressing my feeling and emotion but i really like to watch romantic comedy film. Why? because its fun and fun.

Recently i watch 'The Proposal'. A story of a tyrant female boss (margaret) that force her assistant (andrew) to marry her to settle visa problem. being threatened of losing his job, her assistant say yes. Unfortunately, her perfect plan went to trash as that guy family is what she miss all this time. She fall in love with the family and with andrew. as Andrew start to know her real self too, he start to  love her. The ending as expected.A happy ending.

Then, i watch 'Definitely, maybe', again. I like this story cause of father-daughter relationship. its so sweet. my last post is based in this story. A men can met many girls in their life but usually only one can truly shaken their feeling. just like in this film, i dont want to be like his daughter's mother(sara), that come when he has no one else, being his last choice and he just go for it and after many years they get divorce, leaving this girl in pain forever. The one that he really love is his friend(april). They always argue in things and had different prospective but those differences bring them together after so many years apart.

I want to share another 2 film that i watch tonight but its already too late and i need to wake up early tomorrow.

~~Don't Be Afraid to Love. That's just your old inferior function trying to convince you that you're unloved and unloveable. It's not true. Just because you're not sure what to do with yourself doesn't mean that you can't learn! Go on... jump in. The water's warm.

Dont want to be

I dont want to be someone last resort

or someone hobby

or someone test circuit

I wanna be someone exception
that will do everything just to make me his..

I wanna be someone Unintended
that against all his rule

I wanna be someone Last Dance
till the end of his life

To love and to be love
I put my trust in
destiny and hope
that God had written for me

amin...

I'll be waiting my dear friend

I admit my faults but did you?

I put my trust in you, that is why it hurts..when you are gone..

My friend, will u be there for me again? like u always do...

"Weary

Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?
But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human"

"In Our Darkest Hour

In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."

Dont say anyword, just comeback and let silent swallow all guilt..I'll be waiting

Fiction n Reality

Some people hate fiction movie cause its a big fat lie, its a fantasy but one important thing that they missed is the message that this kind movie bring. Sometimes it more close to reality than any real movies.

Take Harry Potter, a story of a magic, obviously its a fairy tale but its not it. Harry potter is a story of hero in the make. Its a story of being strong with helps from friends and foe. You can also see how upbringing of two different individu will turn them into 2 different future. Voldermote and Harry had terrible childhood but they lead to 2 different roles.

There is other movie that I like, its an independent movie but it well made and so beautiful entitled 'shelter'. Its a gay movie and that is why i treat it as a fiction movie. I will not share opinion regarding this homosexual matter. What i'm trying to convey here is the messages. This story is about being true to yourself but not turn into selfish brat. How family is very important but dont let it become an obstacle tou your success. The main character,Zach turn down a scholarship from his first choice college and start working so that he can take care of his nephew as that kid's mother busy looking for her damn boyfriend. Its really big sacrifice. Zach put everything behind for his nephew and even his nephew think Zach is his father.Everything change when he met Shaun. For once, someone really care bout Zach and that give Zach a strength to face his life then put himself first above everything else. This movie really had a happy ending.

DOnt watch if you dont like gay theme movie!!

Every movie never run from reality of life and it always a lot to learn. Lot to learn!

"i'll be there as soon i can but i busy mending broken, pieces of the life i had before"
muse - unintended

WHAT?

what the heck was wrong with me??

few weeks ago, aku ngan dia ade chat n kitorg mmg argue ttg byk prkara ttg life..then aku sedar kitorg xserasi..dia postif,aku negatif..aku btul2 ngat aku da xsuka dia

even after that, aku tingat dia, or buka page dia, aku akn rasa geram n menyampah..so mgkin btul aku da xsuka kat dia...

but today, aku msg dia psl program sekolah. dan ntah napa gatal lak nak kol dia..masa nak kol tu, jantung aku dup dap dup dap...nak ckp ape pun aku xtau sbb sume da ckp dlm msg..

then dia angkat, suara dia cam lain ckit(ckit jela)..dia xcam suara aku, dia kata lain...itu kali pertama kami berborak menggnakan suara after almost 5 year..last ckp msa putus, tu pun dalm keadaan yg sgt tegang...

aku mmg hilang topik la tpi nak ckap lagi, ade juga la moment yg dua2 senyap xtau nak ckp ape...siap mengarut psl system hurdle monash...sian dia kene dgr..

da hjg2 sore aku pun mcm da xlarat(da kul 2 lebih)..dia suh gi tido...dia pun da bosan agaknye layan aku mengarut...

kesimpulannya aku sendiri xsure aku da xsuka dia ke or msh suka dia..yg pasti aku happy dpt ckp ngan dia tpi rasa segan juga sbb mcm perigi cari timba(ish3)

hmmm..teringat lak memory lama..haish...no tepon dia msh lgi melekat dlam kepala ni, sikap dia, gaya dia...aku hrp aku lupa semua tu

aku harap perasaan ini hilang tanpa kesan..

aku msh ingt dia kata yg dia mahukan kwn2 teknik dia kekal sbgai kwn lama..aku juga kwn teknik dia, so aku hanyalah kwn lama dia...

alangkah bagusnya kalau kami xkapel dulu, mgkn kami berkwn rapat skunk....tpi kalau xkapel camna aku nak rasa perasaan bahagia tu..

haih...xsuka perasaan aku skunk ni...

What have we Learn?

On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. · ·

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. · ·

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. · ·

 I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." · ·

 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. · ·

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can,happiness will find you. · ·

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. · ·

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. · ·

 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. · ·

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. · ·

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. · · I just did.

Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but People will never forget how you made them feel...and yes i maybe forgot many our memories together but I will never forget how much u love and appreciate me Kayla...Saranghee :))

*** Happy BirthDay to My BestFren, Khalilah Sari binti Roslan !!! On this special day, I wish all happiness in this world belong 2 U.... This Post is special for you.

***All the learn quote taken from other website (not written by me)..

Soul ep 2

During hypnopsis, Shin Ryu holds Ha Na's wrist and tap his finger gently while saying. He also use his thumb to caress Ha Na's base of the nose (between eyebrows) to calm her down


"Ah Persephone week-to-Amen (APARK TUAMANS)is how hypnosis as a sort of coming out of the dream and direct dialogue or when you want to contact and how to write. dreaming of one and left wrist caressed and concentrating the spirit of that person's entering the dream. "

maybe its from latin words aperture tu amar which means opening you love(from google translate).

Ilmu sebagai penyelesaian?

Adakah semua masalah dalam kehidupan boleh diselesaikan meggunakan ilmu? Habis tu apa perlunya naluri?
Dia ckp, selain ilmu tyalah iman tpi adakah iman manusia sentiasa di keadaan terbaik?

Seorg proscuter nak mendakwa seseorg pencuri wpun didapati pencuri mencuri kerana isterinya sakit tenat perlukan duit dan dirinya bru terlibat dalm kemlagan lalu patah tgn xmmpu bekerja, sekeliling juga kurg membantu. Kalau prosecutor tu gunakan ilmu yg dia ada, msti pencuri tu kena dakwa, msuk pnjara dan isterinya sengsara, tpi kalu dia ikut naluri, dia akan lepaskan pncuri dengan hrpan pencri tu insaf. Kalau pencuri tu dipenjara, msti dia akan jdi seseorg yg sgt benci kan dunia dan merasakan dunia xadil. Kalau dia dilepaskan, mgkn dia bhnti mencuri, mgkn tdak.

Manusia sgt cmplicated dan unique. Setiap org ada cara tersendiri utk menghadapi dan menyelesaikan masalah sama ada guna ilmu atau naluri. Ia juga bergantung kepada persekitaran, jadi bukan ke susah untuk menentukan mana yang benar dan mana yang salah.

Bagi aku, xsemua masalah boleh diselesaikan dengan ilmu, dan xsemua masalah ada penyelesaian. Certain perkara, patut dibiarkan begitu sahaja. Biarkan masa menjadi pengubatnya. Kalau semua benda dalam dunia mcam dunia digital yang hanya ada 1 dan 0, xdelah peribahasa "ditelan mati emak, di luah mati bapak", kan?

Life

What is life?

aku ada byaaaaaaaaaak sgt impian tpi xde 1pun tercapai skunk. salah sape?salah aku sendiri.

impian2 tu bknlah mustahil tpi aku sendri mls nk berusaha.haih...

Aku selalu bygkan diri aku seorg yg cool, yg berpengetahuan tggi, seorg yg bijak, seorg yg terer martial art, seorg yg punya strong personality spti presiden sbuah syarikat besar.

tpi siapa aku skrg?

nak set up simple circuit pun xpndai

Apa guna transistor pun aku xpndi terg

aku hya terer berckp ttg sedikit ilmu yg aku ade je.

Kenapa mesti cakap tentang perkara yg aku arif?nak belagak?nak amik perhatian org? Aku patut ttp mulut aku dr ckp mende sia-sia lagi.

Diri aku penuh dengan perasaan marah, tpi nak luahkan pun xpndai.

Susah sgt ke nak jadi org yg berguna?

NoRmaL

Ok, Aku da kembali kpd normal!!!!!!

part mana?

Part yg aku bkn seorg jiwang!

Bila pikir2 balik, logiknya kan, kenapa aku nak tggu sesuatu yg xpasti dan xtentu kefaedahannya kpd aku, btul x?

Baik aku buka hati aku luas2 utk lelaki lain yg hargai aku..dia?bkn kata hargai, syg pun blum tentu...lgpun aku xrasa dia calon suami yg seswai utk aku..umm..

Semua perempuan nak dilyn seperti princess oleh org yg dia suka, kan? Dia bknnya xlyn aku mcm princess, dia xlyn aku lgsg wpun aku ckp aku ska kat dia..xptut btul!!but anyway,lantak la...

kesimpulannya, aku da kembali kpd diri yg xjiwang ni dengan happanya..it feel nice to be back..ahaks

Berapa Lama

Berapa lama harus aku tunggu diri dia...

Masa mula2 dulu, berbulan aku tggu utk dia faham perasaan aku n mtk kapel...

Masa kapel, berminggu2 aku tunggu dia utk bls msg aku..

Lepas putus, bertahun2 aku tggu utk dia hulurkan tgn persahabatn semula..

Kini, setelah aku nyatakan perasaan aku pada dia, berapa lama pula aku ptut tunggu utk dia ktkan "aku pun sukakan kau"...atau mengatakan "aku sukakan org lain,maaf"...

Jadi en si dia, berapa lama harus ku tunggu? Berapa lama lgi ko akan lyn aku camni? Ko jadikan aku jiwang karat camni so SILALAH bertanggungjawab!!

dugaan

Manusia xpernah lari dr menghadapi dugaan hidup tpi itu xbermakna kita ada alasan menjadi lemah. Kita mesti kuat!Kita mesti sabar dengan kesabaran yang baik. ada orang kata dia sabar dan redha tpi asik merungut, mengungkit kesusahan hidup. kalau kita asik mengungkit bagaimana kita nak melupakannya?

tapi sebagai manusia biasa, bagaimna lah kita xmerungut...kan?

Semoga kita semua berjaya mengharungi segala dugaan hidup ini. Semoga kita terus tegar utk tersenyum walau dlm tangisan...

Bergantunglah hanya padaNya kerana dia sebaik2 tempat bergantung...aminn

My Heart

Perkenalan aku ngan si dia ketika kami berumur 17 tahun.Ketika itu, kami bertugas di sektor yang sama wpun berlainan kelas dan sebab itu kami selalu berjumpa. Pada mulanya aku suka seorg budak llki kls dia, comel daknye..hehehe...sbb tu aku suka. Aku dan si dia hanyalah kwn baik. tapi entah camna makin lama aku mkn suka kat dia tpi sygnye dia tgh syok ngan sorg dak pompuan ni. Perempuan ni mmg comel la...hahaha...xsngka kitorag suka yg comel2..ahaks.
Orang kata lelaki dan perempuan xleh jadi kwn baik nnti timbul la bibit2 cintun. Aku sendiri xsedar sejak bila aku sukakan dia dan sejak bila aku jadi begitu sensitif tentg dia.Aku xingt pun bila aku start kapel ngan dia..huhuhuhu..apa yg aku ingat?umm..adalah ;p

aku rasa nak tulis je kisah kami di sini tpi mcm gelilah pulak..hahaha..lgpun kitorg da putus pun,so cam xperlu je tlis...tpi rasa nak tlis jugak..ummm..pelu ke?

apapun ni lagu yg mengiringi kisah kami waktu tu (bagi aku la, xtaun lak dia pki lagu pe)..hee..oh ye, knape lagu ni menjadi plihan? sebab waktu dia mntak kapel, aku ngah lyn citer ni..

Perpisahan

Perpisahan sgt la menyakitkan...Semalam aku berpisah ngan family aku utk smbg study kat melbourne..wpun ini bukan kali pertama ia msh terlalu menyakitkan cuma aku semakin matang. Aku lebih pandai control perasaan kerana aku tahu perpisahan ini perlu.kenapa?

Fifi ada tya nape nak smbg stdy kat overseas kalu xsanggup n aku jwb various reasons. Aku xrasa nak explain especially dlam msg.pjg kot, penat jari menaip.tapi apa yg pasti perpisahan mengajar erti rindu,sayang. Membuatkan aku lebih menghargai family aku. Menjadikan aku lebih memahami mereka dan aku akn lebih berusaha untuk membahagiakan mereka.

Hari ni pun, aku buat mcm2 utk busykan diri aku. dan aku akn truskan tabiat tu, bkn sbb nak melarikan diri tapi nak jadikan diri aku lebih tabah. Bila aku ngat mak n family aku, aku akn ingt yg aku akn blik buln 7 ni. Slagi xsmpi bulan 7, aku akn keje 24/7 except wak2 tdo supaya masa terasa cepat blalu.

watak ke-3

hmm...watak ke-3 dalam drama slalu dipndg hina....sbb? wataknye slalu jahat dan berhasad dengki tapi kenapa dia jdi cam2?

Manusia lahir suci murni tanpa sebrg dosa. Kita xnaturally jahat, tpi kita ade DNA yg leh mendorong atau memberi kelebihan menjdi jaht..apapun Nature xleyh lwan nurture. Oleh sbb tu, kita xleyh kata seseorg tu semulajadi jahat..

jadi, apa yg mendorong watak ke-3 jadi jahat? Mungkin...

1) kerana dia terasa dipinggirkan..yelah, selalunya dia dpt apa yg dia nak, diminati hero tetiba hero dan semua tumpuan pergi dr dia dgn kemunculn heroin.

2) kerana dr superior mnjadi inferior

3) character heroin 180 darjah len dr dia...mgkin satu character yg dia rasa dia langsung xleh bwk...

4) sbb dia rasa pelik, kenapa heroin yg bendul diminati sdg dia yg bijak pandai dibenci...

6) dia takut akan khilangan

Mungkin byk lgi alasan watak ke-3 membnci heroin...kesian juga dgn watak ni kan tapi nk wat cmne, setiap cerita msti ada baik dan jahat kalau x, mcm xbest je kan cerita tu. At least, kita ada seseorg utk dipersalahkan. korg rasa, korg watak keberapa?hehe...

Ai haibara : ya, ikan jerung ikan yang digeruni, yg keluar dari laut dalam seba gelap...ikan lumba2 ikan yang diminati ramai dan dipuja...

Conan : ??

soal rumah

Nampaknya soal rumah yg mulanye simple smkin complicated...hmmm..

skunk ni pon k.alia ajk aku share bedroom ngan dia, so tazkirah n kwn dia boleh duk kat 2 blik kosong tu...aku kurg suka idea tu sbbnya :

1) aku xsuka share bedroom ngan org kerana hdup aku byk rahsia.rahsia yang pernah terbuka dan buatkan seseorg hlg respect kat aku n lyn aku ngan buruk sedangkan dia pun xbgus mane...

2) aku suka buat bising...housemate aku pun kekadg xthn ngan perngai ni..hehe

3) aku yg duduk umah tu dulu, rumah tu pun atas nama aku, nape aku lak yg kene give up bg blik aku kat owg len...x fair la gi2...

4) bilik tu adalah ruang privacy aku, ruang dunia aku n i'm not willg to give up...

5) pengalaman mengjr aku bhw xde sape leh put up ngan sikap aku selamanya so be4 org benci aku n tingglkn aku, bek aku siapkan sempdan awl2

kesimpulannya, aku xnak share bedroom!

Helpless

Itu yang aku rasa sekarang ini...Kenapa?Kerana kegagalan.

Aku gagal dalam pelajaran
Aku gagal dalam persahabatan
Aku gagal dalam percintaan
Aku gagal dalam pengurusan kewangan.

Semua kegagalan ini bermula 7 bulan yang lepas tapi entah kenapa masih dirasai, masih menyakitkan.Bagaimana ini boleh terjadi? Adakah semuanya salah aku? Siapa aku sebenarnya?

Aku kecewa dengan diri aku. Aku nak selesaikan semua masalah ini dan hidup dengan semangat baru tapi sikap aku yang sukar melepaskan kisah silam menidakkan pembaharuan.

Patutkah aku berhadapan dengan individu terlibat untuk meredakan hati ini atau biarkan masa sahaja mengubat hati ini.

Aku terseksa......