Thursday, September 12, 2013

Today, everything seems wrong even though nothing actually goes wrong. I dont know what make me feel so bad today. All I did is sleeping and dreaming as thats the only way i can forget uneasiness in my heart. Why?

Its all start when my friends ask me to teach them microeconomics and I said yes. So they wait for me today to teach them. but I said nothing and do nothing. Why? and now i feel really bad.

To tell the truth, i'm afraid. I always afraid to help someone. I afraid they will get close to me then depend on me and seeing me as a good person. I am not!

The past had teach me that if you get close to people, you will get hurt, and one day they will leave you. All my previous best friend had left me or i had left them in some cases. For some reason, the wall and boundaries that I had created had crushed many hearts. And all that left is me. All alone

When I was 3 years old, I really close to my dad (on my mom account) but then he died. Ever since, my mom busy with works and other siblings especially my baby sister. I rarely got out and always by my quiet self. I indulge in books and movies and dramas thus lost my touch with the real world. I live in imagination. At that time, I always imagine that my dad not actually dead but have to fake his dead because he is in secret mission. Such a childish thought. But life is not a movie. life is real. People will be gone someday either they want it or not. Thats the fact.

It is no use to dwell on  something that I dont even know. Future can never be predicted. All I have to do is to live in the moment.

This is me. And this is my roller coaster emotion. This is my life. This is my world. Maybe Sherlock's brother was right, caring is not an advantage. I feel bad today when I start to care about others feeling thus poisoning logical mind. And I have spent all my hours dwell in this feeling when I should study for my final exam.

Yosh! I have to study. Lets study. lets not rot our mind with this poisoning feeling. Yosh!