First Love

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dear love,

The beautiful first love, the innocence, the fun.

At that time, we thought Love is all that matter.
then we grow up, realize world is a big place. Many things exist, not only you and me. We have a dreams, we draw our futures.

In mine, there is you but...Yours have no me. we break apart. You chase your dream while I'm standing still watching you. How I wish I can walk with you. How I wish to be there through thin and thick.  no, you are too busy, mending your future. You dont see me.

You said you love me bu t you have to block those feeling. You afraid I become distraction. Those words slice my heart. Why? Why I cant be the woman behind a success man?

I lost you cause all the pressure I put you on. I'm sorry. its because I really love you and I care about you. I'm sorry.

I cant wait till all your dreams come true. I'm afraid all the waiting will be regret.

I need a man who gonna grow old with me, Hold my hand in this journey, Catch me when I'm fall, who make me believe in life again.

My first love, I cant take another step towards you.

Let stop before our love become ugly,before innocence die, before we lost all the fun.

Lot of love


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

There is time, when everything is too much
there is also time, when nothing is enough

I receives a lot of love and thought it will get me through the day but
what comes is the guilty feeling, drive me to the corner, push me to the edge.

the urge to run away, far far away, to a place of no past keep intrigue me but will the past can be really forgotten?  Maybe move to another world will, but definitely that world is deep under pit. I keep asking what I should do, what I shouldnt do?

Why after all the stories that i told, still it feels like no one cares? But they do cares.

So, I open my eyes wide open, push myself up, trying to walk. It hurts. Its not easy. I walk like nothings matter. Some people starts to show up, try to love me but honey its too late. Your sincerity do not make my hearts warm but sets it in fire. Why now?Why its only now?

Even now, 1000 words cant comprehend you my fall.

I'll not look back. Please dont ask me to stop. Please dont tell I choose wrong path. Please dont shut me back into that dark room.

This beautiful song/video is from Rascal Flatts. Some people thinks suicide is for the weakling. They didnt help, they didnt care. They just look.

"I thinks its easy for people to say suicide's not the answer when they've never known what it feels like to be pushed to your limits and past. When you fight to find a reason to keep going. And once you cant find that reason anymore, its just not worth the fight. But I think the fight is what makes us strong enough to keep going. Life's gonna push you, but how hard you push back is what matters. I'm still pushing back, and I think it's going to be worth it." - ShayDeLuca

She save my life

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Step one She ask "how are you?"
I sigh and give the best smile I can 
but the tears want to fall down too
As her blue eyes see right through me
Some sort of window to her right
Trying to get hold of myself
Between the line of fear and sad
I begin to wonder why I came

Then I said:
"Where did I go wrong, I lost my friends,Somewhere along I lost myself
and I stayed up all night
crying and singing the melody of loneliness
Had I known how to save my life."

Let Her know that I dont know anymore
Cause after all I dont know anymore
Try to slip past my wrongdoing
without granting innocence
Lay down a list of my mistake,their mistake
The things I've told many all along
but no one hears me
and no one feels me

Where did I go wrong?
I almost lost everything 
Somewhere along the laziness
And I stayed up all night 
had I known things turn this way

As she begin to ask questions
I fall deep in thoughts
Grant her an answer that I've been kept for so long
Drive me to the center of my heart
and crash all the fears inside
She do one of two things
She admit I was right 
instead saying everything is my fault
and I begin to feel glad I came

Where did I go wrong?
I lost my friends
Somewhere along the in the bitterness
And I had stayed all night 
Just to feel lonely

Where did I go wrong?
I lost myself
Somewhere along the loneliness
And I had stayed all night
Just to cry again and again

She makes it right
I found myself back
Somewhere along the words we said
And I stayed up with her all hour
then She saved my life
then She saved my life

**This is when I start having my counseling session. Some may realise that the words seem familiar. This is my answer for the song "How to save a life" by The Fray.. Here the link for the song :

Boyce avenue version is great too..


Friday, September 2, 2011

I feel like a FOOL!!!!!

After weeks of depression, finally I step in to my lab but unfortunately, they have done a lot of programming and all of that is related to assignment. Therefore, I cant do my assignment. The lab instructor is being really helpful, teach me each and every stuff, even write me some of the codes. It makes me feel very stupid, useless. I cant even write the simplest code. He (lab instrctor) must be wonder how I pass all the programming subject during my 2nd year. The truth is, I have some of the sample codes from my senior. I just need to change or add here and there.

I like my lab instructor. Someday, I hope I can speak the same language he speaks (programming language).

Seriously, what should I do to be better in programming?

Dream - Emotion

Thursday, September 1, 2011

They say that dream can show your state of mind, especially if you can remember the feeling when you having that dream.

Today, I had this dream :

"I was at the factory and everyone(someone that i know but not a friend) is busy doing their work. I came as a visitor with my friend(a man but I dont remember his face) so I didnt know to do anything. They are too busy that they ignore me so I do things on my own. However what I did is wrong, I got scared and angry too, as they being so cold and didnt help me. I decide to go somewhere else and ask of the cost of the damaged product. To my surprise, she said, its ok, I dont have to. After out from that factory, I had to climb a very high and unstable natural stairs. Every steps that I took make the stairs to crumble, likely to fall. My boyfriend and my friends can make it. He waits for me at the end of the stairs. Somehow, I give up as I almost fall down, so he climbs down, stay with me until I feel ok again. And I feel happy, he will take my hand and encourage me to climb again. During the climb, I really afraid and keep out of breath. I was so tired, dont have stamina to climb anymore but he was there, at the top of the stairs, waiting, smiling at me. Finally I make it. I walk to my school, went to my class, neglecting bossy prefects. My other classmate was hiding from the prefects. After all the prefects went away, my classmate come out and we about to have a fight with others school. I also involve in a fight. I had an embarrassing moment and my opponent (3boys) laugh at me. I change my clothes and keep fighting. I'm not a good fighter so I dont know if I can win. Nevertheless I still fighting until the teachers came and break the fight."

When I wake up, I remember the scary feeling when I lost my stamina as I climb the stairs. Then I decide to do something that I have in my mind for quiet sometime. Jogging. But because I didnt jog for a long time, so I start with a walk for 20 minutes. I want to keep doing it after this.

I feel weird thinking about the guy that  help me because it seems that I always rebel towards him, always sulking but he stay with me no matter what. If only there is someone like that in my life right now, I'll be lucky.