SELAMAT HARI RAYA

SELAMAT HARI RAYA KEPADA SEMUA UMAT ISLAM SELURUH DUNIA. MAAF SEKIRANYA SAYA ADA BUAT SILAP KEPADA SESIAPA.

Hari Raya selalunya disambut dengan gembira, tapi diri ini terasa begitu sunyi. Bukan kehendak hati xnak pergi bertakbir raya dengan kawan2 di Clayton tpi kerja menggunung. Sudah lah 2 minggu xdatang kelas langsung, so banyak la yang nak kena study. Lagipun, xnak lah menjawab soalan2 atau membalas pandangan2 pelik diaorang. Walau sejuta alasan yang diberi, mereka xkan faham apatah lagi untuk menerima. Nanti hati ni juga yang sakit.

Kemarahan memang membuak-buak, tapi harus dipendam semua itu kerana jika tidak semakin banyak masalah yang timbul. Benar, bukan senang orang nak terima apa yang kita lakukan sekiranya memang terbukti berdosa. Namun, yang sangat terkilan ialah kerana ada yang menyatakan kesalahan itu terang-terangan. Tidakkah mereka tahu, perasaan bersalah memang sentiasa dalam diri ini. Baru kini mereka mendekati, menyatakan rasa bersalah membiarkan aku hanyut dalam tekanan. Sekaligus meminta aku datang kepada mereka sekiranya ada masalah. Xkanlah aku nak jumpa semua orang yang aku kenal ceritakan masalah aku,. Xkanlah nak pergi ke hulu hilir dengan air mata. Kenapa tidak mereka yang datang kepada aku?

Bukan aku pendam semua duka yang ada. Aku beritahu hampir semuanya kepada Ila, tapi Ila sendiri tertekan dengan pelajaran dia. Dia juga sibuk, berusaha keras untuk kekal di Monash. Malah Ila dah cukup baik mendengar setiap luahan, cerita aku tanpa mengeluh atau rasa bosan. Kehadiran dia cukup bermakna dalam hidup aku.
Aku juga selalu meluahkan rasa jiwa dalam blog ini, Kak Alia pembaca tetap sentiasa prihatin dengan aku. Walaupun dia xpernah komen, tapi aku  tahu dia sealu baca. Itu sudah cukup membuktikan dia kawan yang baik untuk aku.
Selain itu, Amal dan Adidah juga selalu berkunjung ke rumah. Kadang2 aku ke rumah mereka. Aku jarang cerita masalah kepada mereka tapi mereka memeriahkan hidup aku kat sini. Termasuk juga junior2 yang sentiasa peramah dan melayan aku dengan baik.

Bagi mereka yang tertinggal, yang semakin hilang dari hidup aku, janganlah rasa bersalah. Jangan juga mudah keluarkan kata2 tanpa memikirkan perasaan orang yang mendengarnya. Aku punya hati dan perasaan. Malah dalam keadaan sekarang, hati aku sangat rapuh, mudah terguris, mudah juga menangis. Cukuplah semua masalah yang ada sebelum ini. Janganlah ditambah. Sekiranya tidak mampu memahami, diam dan lihat sahajalah. Aku takut sekiranya mereka terus menekan, aku akan terus meninggalkan mereka. Kebahagiaan aku adalah keutamaan aku sekarang.

Maaf sekali lagi sekiranya bahasa yang diguna agak kasar. Tapi aku xmampu lagi menahan sakit hati ini, sedih jiwa ini, sendirian. Tiap2 hari menangis, boelh bengkak mata.

"Pernahkah kau bermimpi seketika,
berada di tempatku,
membayangkan pahit manis berlalu,
xsiapa yang tahu.

Mungkin nanti jua,
merasakan berdepan dengan kata menyesakkan,
xkan kubumu kebal, tiada pertimbangan.

Keheningan malam membayangkan,
kepayahan jiwa meluahkan,
andai kau jujur memahami,
tiada ku menjauhi,
dan kisahku yang masih panjang,
menambahkan berat yang memandang,
lantasku pendam, kuputuskan, biarlah rahsia." - Biarlah Rahsia.

The pain

I've been busy explaining my act to many people especially those who close to me so that they dont misunderstood me.
What kind of answer I got? The same. None of them really accept me, they accept my decision because they cant go against me. Because if they did, they will lose me forever.
All this time, I've been around talking, easing other people pain. I look things in other people view.

How about my pain? Who gonna ease it for me?
Who gonna look at my point of view.

I'm tired. I've so many problems in my life.

All of them said that they feel sad. They think I'm happy? Stop look at me with that sad eyes. Stop saying you sad. but yes, they are right. I'm at fault and I'm only.

Road less taken

As I turn into different direction, feeling so helpless, hopeless
you keep asking for reasons of my choice.
How would I know if the road will lead me to destination, when I never been there?
Why you asking too many question, argue over many thing when you know I'm exhausted?


Yes, I'm confuse, dont ever know what is right and wrong anymore.
Dont you never feel the same?
Maybe you dont, You are strong, I'm weak
Yes I'm weak so why keep pushing me
cant you see I already fall scattered around.

No you dont see, cause I never show.
Again its my fault..and you nowhere to be blame.

When I cry, when my face strain with pain
You keep arguing, talking like I'm all okay.
i'm not like you, never like you.

What point of screaming if no ones listen to me?
What point of explaining if no ones accept it?

I walk down this road,hoping for comfort.
but you nowhere to be found
So i keep walking
With a pieces of broken heart

If you cant heal this wound,
just look at it
dont rub a salt on.

Cant you just give me your hand
walk with me
saying everything all right
saying its ok to be afraid
even it means you lying
If dishonesty can bring peace to my heart
Why cant you just give me...cause I will never blame you..forever

Rejection

Have you ever feel rejected? feel unbelong? I had..

Its happen when I'm in college. I close to my housemate,Ad (not real name). We always walk to the class together, having lunch and dinner together. She is funny, happy-go-lucky and like to do crazy things. Well, I'm the opposite character. Things change when she starts drive to school. Of course, I carpooled with her. She begins to get out more and I cant come with her all the time. I lack of time and money. She going out with other friends (fai, day, cid and fi) and and because I always left out, I start to fall apart from them, from her. There is no topics that involve me anymore and there is a lot of secrets between them. Slowly, I start to part away from them. They make me feel unbelong to that group.

I remembered, I was in my fai's(one of the member of that group) room. Suddenly, day come in being all excited. She said she wants to talk to fai alone, so I walk out. As soon as I step out, day slam the door shut, in front of my face. My heart crush. 

Another incidents, they accidently said something about going out to this place. Fi said that there is available space for anyone to come along. The other's face kind of shock. I feel that it suppose to be a secret and fi doesnt know it that she should not discuss it in my presence. After moments of awkwardness, fai said the car is full.I understand they dont want me to come along even without fai saying anything. She shouldnt lie to me saying the car is full because I'm not a fool!

Feeling more rejected as the time pass by, I walk away from them. I no longer carpooling, walk by myself to the class. Going to lunch and dinner by myself. Its hard to be alone but its even harder to be lonely everytime I with them. Swallow all the pain, cry myself out in the blanket, in the shower. Cry without making any sounds. My world cramble. I'm breaking. I will never forget the pain.

The guy that I like, never like me, choose someone totally different from me. The guy that I love, leave me and give such stupid reason think that I will buy it.

After series of rejection, I dont have confident anymore in any kind of relationship. Yes, I'm broken inside. I fall into the pieces so dont blame me when I overreacted, oversensitive.

Dont leave me when I change, become someone else. Dont dismiss me so easily. I dont have any strength to fight. Cant you just accept me? Dont make me turn away from you. I need you, more than everything.

I know what I did is wrong and too sudden. You need time to accept me, but dont make me wait too long, I'm afraid I cant stand it anymore.

I'm angry, I'm confuse, I'm afraid, I rebel.

The Forest

Simple yet complex, shallow yet deep. Its what I describe G.Callen, the center of attention of NCIS:LA. He is an easy going person,always smile and seems problem less.At first, his character isn’t too stunning except for his pair of blue eyes. However, when you think you understand him, he struck a mystery light upon you. Someone that you need to study everyday. Like a forest, that keep its mystical treasure deep inside and to reach there, you have to be brave and adventurous.

I have a friend that show similarities trait like Callen. She’s a quiet person but always smile. Its easy to befriend with her but when I try to get closer , there is something in her that I cant lay my hand on. I remembered, I had to tell her half of my whole life story before she starts tell hers history.There is time, I thought she just forget everything that I told her because she never mention any part of it but surprisingly she do remember. She always listen to my story and never prejudice to me even I reveal my bad self. Everytime she tell me her story or her thinking, she make me wonder and make me reevaluate her again.  She is not what she seems to be. In the future, I believe she will transform to a new person, like she did before. and I want to be with her when its happen.

“ the only thing I know, is that  I know nothing” – Socrates

p/s forgive me if its confusing and not very well written, english isnt my mother tongue. its 1 am in the morning and my brain too tired too think.

btw, if you read this my ‘mystery’ friend, you are not a boring person because you never fail to amuse me.

Children

NCIS season 7 episodes 7 : end game

This episode shows child exploitation by one government to turn them into an assassin. The assassin that get train from early age makes them so damn good and what matter more is they never object the order from the boss thinking that the boss that fed them. This episodes remind me of 'Salt', a CIA agent that had a secret training at soviet union's 'spy factory'.

Why children easy to exploit? - They dont know nothing about the world so someone teach them about this world using guns, bombs. They only know how to kill.

Why 'someone' did that? - To win the war, to harness power. They become untouchable.

Children in the warzone country become the victim of gun and bomb by grown-up army.
Children in a poor country become walking bones while the politician looks like santa claus except they not so generous.
There is also children that forcefully become unpaid labor and the company making billion from that.
Some become apart of syndicates, become begger or unofficial salesman.

and worse of all - parents that abandon their own child, throw their baby into the rubbish bin, beat their children like a beast. Even lion love their own child, so whay human became unhuman?

one word : sadistic.

to those who ever experience any kind of mistreated from their parents or society :

"Anyone can achieve their fullest potential. Who we are might be predetermined but the path we follow is always our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectation of the others to set the frontier of our destiny.Your destiny cant be changed, but it can be challenged" - McGee, NCIS

Friend

Many movies,dramas and novel, either fiction or non-fiction, the word 'friend' always in it. Friendship and love relationship is one of the most important relationship in human life.

Who is friend? What is friendship? The answer is different for each individuals.

For me, friend is someone there through thin and thick, someone that I can talk about myself a lot.

I know many people but not all of them is my friend and that is why I really treasure friendship. I'll do nothing to sabotage it. However, life is not as simple as ABC and sometimes it drive you crazy.

For many reasons, I had walk away from many my friends life. It hurts, it tears me apart.i never had a choice. Maybe my thinking is too rasional, you may say "come on, life is short, just forget and forgive", but its never easy for me. That the main reason, I dont have much friend.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear my friend, my sister,
I make a mistakes by throwing you away but i never mean it that way, I just want you understand what situation you put me in. Do you even notice? if yes, why keep it shut all this time? Time passed. I'm still waiting for you to come back and I always here whenever you need me. I never far, you are.

"Thats what a friend is for, when your lost in darkness and searching for the light, to help you through those lonely nights, when everything around you fails just hold out your hand, and i'll come running, thats what a friend is for." - Marty Keith

Now, I lost in the darkness, why dont you help me through this lonely night like I did to you years ago.
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The End

we meet again after so many years
after all the things that happend
yet you say nothing..

Glad you still appreaciate our friendship
where else can you friend like me
always accept you

Little that you know
I had to accept it to not to lose you
but the truth is I already lose you

Cant you see?
I'm in a pain
seeing you..talk to you
being cool
pretend i'm strong

From the start, I mean nothing to you
and from now on, you mean nothing to me too...
not even as a friend

and thats how my love story end.