Tears. its my enemy right now. Been fighting it the whole day. Why?
1. FELDA hasnt bank in my allowance yet. I need damn money so much to settle everything before going back for good.
2. Today is my last counselling session. Jodie has been a very good listener to me and im gonna miss her.
3. Eveything that I planned ruined because of that money. This week is my last week in melbourne and i want it to be great but...Im so furious.
4. I dont wanna leave this town. I have a great life here. For me I start my real life in this cozy place and Im gonna miss it so much.
5. Lots of thing cant be settle down not only because of the money but also because this one particular *****. after talk to my counselor, I thought I want to have peace and confront her but tonight she did it again. She alienated me. She thinks she can throw me away just like that make me totally not exist. Well, she got it wrong cause one day I'll be back and god knows what i'm gonna do to her so called perfect little life and thats the promise!
Silent night
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Dark Toyota Prius drove through North-South highway roaring at 140mph, broken the sound of silent night. The driver, middle aged woman wearing white long sleeve custom tailor shirts, like others career woman love to wear.
She smiles and laugh at the deejay canny jokes and happily sing along the played songs. Bring out the memories of the incredible meeting, million dollar contract that almost in her hands. million dollar contract that only she, can pull off.
She glance at the clock, 10 minutes past 9. She cant wait to come home, to her beautiful kids and of course to her good-for-nothing husband. Well, she used to love him but as the time goes by love fades away, like paint on the wall, like flowers that wither. Never mind, she thinks, she got her 2 little angels, money and great career, she dont need him but why they still together? That, she not sure.
The sound of silver Waja past her, throwing her back to reality. Feel challenged, she hits the speed pad, digits increased to 150 mph, then she wins the unofficial race. Thats the second triumph for her today, after million dollar contract. A woman manage to bind a contract from overseas company, that will profit million or manybe billion. Everyone praise her,ask her how she do it.
Its not easy of course considering the time she spends at the office everyday, the time that she supposed to spend raise up her kids. She feel guilty, convince herself they will understand, someday. Someday, they will say "my mom, is an incredible businesswoman, the next Malaysia's iron lady."
Ahh, she blushing and giggling such a girl at first date.
Bamm!!
She press the break, tyre stretching and the car stops. What was that? Her heart pounding fast. Now, the silent wrapth her in confusion. She sees a body, and blood. being wise woman she always is, she pick up phone dial 999.
Wait. What if she just start the engine and drive away? No one sees this, right. Then, her conscience knock. She reports the accident. What possibly could go wrong? She can pay for hospital bills, if the girl is not dead. or did she? She steps outside, walk to the jane doe, blood all over, gathering up her last courage to feel the wrist.
She stumble back, stare at the dead body. What have she done?
The sirens coming fast and loud. soon, the night not so quite anymore, crowded with cops and paramedics.
And she just staring to the space, nothing in her mind, no million dollar contract, no smiling kid, not even her good-for-nothing husband.
Why this happen when Everything just so perfect.
She smiles and laugh at the deejay canny jokes and happily sing along the played songs. Bring out the memories of the incredible meeting, million dollar contract that almost in her hands. million dollar contract that only she, can pull off.
She glance at the clock, 10 minutes past 9. She cant wait to come home, to her beautiful kids and of course to her good-for-nothing husband. Well, she used to love him but as the time goes by love fades away, like paint on the wall, like flowers that wither. Never mind, she thinks, she got her 2 little angels, money and great career, she dont need him but why they still together? That, she not sure.
The sound of silver Waja past her, throwing her back to reality. Feel challenged, she hits the speed pad, digits increased to 150 mph, then she wins the unofficial race. Thats the second triumph for her today, after million dollar contract. A woman manage to bind a contract from overseas company, that will profit million or manybe billion. Everyone praise her,ask her how she do it.
Its not easy of course considering the time she spends at the office everyday, the time that she supposed to spend raise up her kids. She feel guilty, convince herself they will understand, someday. Someday, they will say "my mom, is an incredible businesswoman, the next Malaysia's iron lady."
Ahh, she blushing and giggling such a girl at first date.
Bamm!!
She press the break, tyre stretching and the car stops. What was that? Her heart pounding fast. Now, the silent wrapth her in confusion. She sees a body, and blood. being wise woman she always is, she pick up phone dial 999.
Wait. What if she just start the engine and drive away? No one sees this, right. Then, her conscience knock. She reports the accident. What possibly could go wrong? She can pay for hospital bills, if the girl is not dead. or did she? She steps outside, walk to the jane doe, blood all over, gathering up her last courage to feel the wrist.
She stumble back, stare at the dead body. What have she done?
The sirens coming fast and loud. soon, the night not so quite anymore, crowded with cops and paramedics.
And she just staring to the space, nothing in her mind, no million dollar contract, no smiling kid, not even her good-for-nothing husband.
Why this happen when Everything just so perfect.
See
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
My friend once told me,
why would people know you hurt if you dont tell them there is thorn in your shoes.
Yes, people can know if they look carefully, that i was limping and my face pale.
If they really looking, they may know.
Sometimes, pain are too hard to describe and
your only hope is someone notice it
before you are bleed to death.
why would people know you hurt if you dont tell them there is thorn in your shoes.
Yes, people can know if they look carefully, that i was limping and my face pale.
If they really looking, they may know.
Sometimes, pain are too hard to describe and
your only hope is someone notice it
before you are bleed to death.
First Love
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dear love,
The beautiful first love, the innocence, the fun.
At that time, we thought Love is all that matter.
then we grow up, realize world is a big place. Many things exist, not only you and me. We have a dreams, we draw our futures.
In mine, there is you but...Yours have no me. we break apart. You chase your dream while I'm standing still watching you. How I wish I can walk with you. How I wish to be there through thin and thick. no, you are too busy, mending your future. You dont see me.
You said you love me bu t you have to block those feeling. You afraid I become distraction. Those words slice my heart. Why? Why I cant be the woman behind a success man?
I lost you cause all the pressure I put you on. I'm sorry. its because I really love you and I care about you. I'm sorry.
I cant wait till all your dreams come true. I'm afraid all the waiting will be regret.
I need a man who gonna grow old with me, Hold my hand in this journey, Catch me when I'm fall, who make me believe in life again.
My first love, I cant take another step towards you.
Let stop before our love become ugly,before innocence die, before we lost all the fun.
Lot of love
Missysecret
The beautiful first love, the innocence, the fun.
At that time, we thought Love is all that matter.
then we grow up, realize world is a big place. Many things exist, not only you and me. We have a dreams, we draw our futures.
In mine, there is you but...Yours have no me. we break apart. You chase your dream while I'm standing still watching you. How I wish I can walk with you. How I wish to be there through thin and thick. no, you are too busy, mending your future. You dont see me.
You said you love me bu t you have to block those feeling. You afraid I become distraction. Those words slice my heart. Why? Why I cant be the woman behind a success man?
I lost you cause all the pressure I put you on. I'm sorry. its because I really love you and I care about you. I'm sorry.
I cant wait till all your dreams come true. I'm afraid all the waiting will be regret.
I need a man who gonna grow old with me, Hold my hand in this journey, Catch me when I'm fall, who make me believe in life again.
My first love, I cant take another step towards you.
Let stop before our love become ugly,before innocence die, before we lost all the fun.
Lot of love
Missysecret
Suicide
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
There is time, when everything is too much
there is also time, when nothing is enough
I receives a lot of love and thought it will get me through the day but
what comes is the guilty feeling, drive me to the corner, push me to the edge.
the urge to run away, far far away, to a place of no past keep intrigue me but will the past can be really forgotten? Maybe move to another world will, but definitely that world is deep under pit. I keep asking what I should do, what I shouldnt do?
Why after all the stories that i told, still it feels like no one cares? But they do cares.
So, I open my eyes wide open, push myself up, trying to walk. It hurts. Its not easy. I walk like nothings matter. Some people starts to show up, try to love me but honey its too late. Your sincerity do not make my hearts warm but sets it in fire. Why now?Why its only now?
Even now, 1000 words cant comprehend you my fall.
I'll not look back. Please dont ask me to stop. Please dont tell I choose wrong path. Please dont shut me back into that dark room.
This beautiful song/video is from Rascal Flatts. Some people thinks suicide is for the weakling. They didnt help, they didnt care. They just look.
"I thinks its easy for people to say suicide's not the answer when they've never known what it feels like to be pushed to your limits and past. When you fight to find a reason to keep going. And once you cant find that reason anymore, its just not worth the fight. But I think the fight is what makes us strong enough to keep going. Life's gonna push you, but how hard you push back is what matters. I'm still pushing back, and I think it's going to be worth it." - ShayDeLuca
there is also time, when nothing is enough
I receives a lot of love and thought it will get me through the day but
what comes is the guilty feeling, drive me to the corner, push me to the edge.
the urge to run away, far far away, to a place of no past keep intrigue me but will the past can be really forgotten? Maybe move to another world will, but definitely that world is deep under pit. I keep asking what I should do, what I shouldnt do?
Why after all the stories that i told, still it feels like no one cares? But they do cares.
So, I open my eyes wide open, push myself up, trying to walk. It hurts. Its not easy. I walk like nothings matter. Some people starts to show up, try to love me but honey its too late. Your sincerity do not make my hearts warm but sets it in fire. Why now?Why its only now?
Even now, 1000 words cant comprehend you my fall.
I'll not look back. Please dont ask me to stop. Please dont tell I choose wrong path. Please dont shut me back into that dark room.
This beautiful song/video is from Rascal Flatts. Some people thinks suicide is for the weakling. They didnt help, they didnt care. They just look.
"I thinks its easy for people to say suicide's not the answer when they've never known what it feels like to be pushed to your limits and past. When you fight to find a reason to keep going. And once you cant find that reason anymore, its just not worth the fight. But I think the fight is what makes us strong enough to keep going. Life's gonna push you, but how hard you push back is what matters. I'm still pushing back, and I think it's going to be worth it." - ShayDeLuca
She save my life
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Step one She ask "how are you?"
I sigh and give the best smile I can
but the tears want to fall down too
As her blue eyes see right through me
Some sort of window to her right
Trying to get hold of myself
Between the line of fear and sad
I begin to wonder why I came
Then I said:
"Where did I go wrong, I lost my friends,Somewhere along I lost myself
and I stayed up all night
crying and singing the melody of loneliness
Had I known how to save my life."
Let Her know that I dont know anymore
Cause after all I dont know anymore
Try to slip past my wrongdoing
without granting innocence
Lay down a list of my mistake,their mistake
The things I've told many all along
but no one hears me
and no one feels me
Where did I go wrong?
I almost lost everything
Somewhere along the laziness
And I stayed up all night
had I known things turn this way
As she begin to ask questions
I fall deep in thoughts
Grant her an answer that I've been kept for so long
Drive me to the center of my heart
and crash all the fears inside
She do one of two things
She admit I was right
instead saying everything is my fault
and I begin to feel glad I came
Where did I go wrong?
I lost my friends
Somewhere along the in the bitterness
And I had stayed all night
Just to feel lonely
Where did I go wrong?
I lost myself
Somewhere along the loneliness
And I had stayed all night
Just to cry again and again
She makes it right
I found myself back
Somewhere along the words we said
And I stayed up with her all hour
then She saved my life
then She saved my life
**This is when I start having my counseling session. Some may realise that the words seem familiar. This is my answer for the song "How to save a life" by The Fray.. Here the link for the song : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd07loOpcjw
Boyce avenue version is great too..
I sigh and give the best smile I can
but the tears want to fall down too
As her blue eyes see right through me
Some sort of window to her right
Trying to get hold of myself
Between the line of fear and sad
I begin to wonder why I came
Then I said:
"Where did I go wrong, I lost my friends,Somewhere along I lost myself
and I stayed up all night
crying and singing the melody of loneliness
Had I known how to save my life."
Let Her know that I dont know anymore
Cause after all I dont know anymore
Try to slip past my wrongdoing
without granting innocence
Lay down a list of my mistake,their mistake
The things I've told many all along
but no one hears me
and no one feels me
Where did I go wrong?
I almost lost everything
Somewhere along the laziness
And I stayed up all night
had I known things turn this way
As she begin to ask questions
I fall deep in thoughts
Grant her an answer that I've been kept for so long
Drive me to the center of my heart
and crash all the fears inside
She do one of two things
She admit I was right
instead saying everything is my fault
and I begin to feel glad I came
Where did I go wrong?
I lost my friends
Somewhere along the in the bitterness
And I had stayed all night
Just to feel lonely
Where did I go wrong?
I lost myself
Somewhere along the loneliness
And I had stayed all night
Just to cry again and again
She makes it right
I found myself back
Somewhere along the words we said
And I stayed up with her all hour
then She saved my life
then She saved my life
**This is when I start having my counseling session. Some may realise that the words seem familiar. This is my answer for the song "How to save a life" by The Fray.. Here the link for the song : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd07loOpcjw
Boyce avenue version is great too..
FooL
Friday, September 2, 2011
I feel like a FOOL!!!!!
After weeks of depression, finally I step in to my lab but unfortunately, they have done a lot of programming and all of that is related to assignment. Therefore, I cant do my assignment. The lab instructor is being really helpful, teach me each and every stuff, even write me some of the codes. It makes me feel very stupid, useless. I cant even write the simplest code. He (lab instrctor) must be wonder how I pass all the programming subject during my 2nd year. The truth is, I have some of the sample codes from my senior. I just need to change or add here and there.
I like my lab instructor. Someday, I hope I can speak the same language he speaks (programming language).
Seriously, what should I do to be better in programming?
After weeks of depression, finally I step in to my lab but unfortunately, they have done a lot of programming and all of that is related to assignment. Therefore, I cant do my assignment. The lab instructor is being really helpful, teach me each and every stuff, even write me some of the codes. It makes me feel very stupid, useless. I cant even write the simplest code. He (lab instrctor) must be wonder how I pass all the programming subject during my 2nd year. The truth is, I have some of the sample codes from my senior. I just need to change or add here and there.
I like my lab instructor. Someday, I hope I can speak the same language he speaks (programming language).
Seriously, what should I do to be better in programming?
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