PAIN

I am not an INTJ before, I was an ISTP but something happen in my life. Something that change my view of life and bring the worst out of me. It is a story of friendship in which entangled with string of love and loyalty. It is a story of making choice and letting go.

Few years back, I studied in Melbourne, miles away from my family in Malaysia thus I found comfort from a solitude and my close circle of friends. One of them,I can regard as my best friend. How shall I describe her?

She is totally different me. She full of colors, I am dull. She lively and happy go lucky. She creative and full of imagination. She is feminine and gentle. She diligent and caring. She is very touchy while I hate any skin ship. All an all, she different me and she annoyed me sometimes. Even so, we still be best friend.

Everything going well, until one day she found her love, her prince charming. A guy that once I admired and like. When I know that he likes her, my heart ache a little. Why would he likes someone that I can never be? Is that a reason why he not really into me before, because I'm not his type. My best friend, being such a good friend dare not to like him and return his love. As I watch on the edge, I realize that her happiness is indeed my happiness so I give her my bless. Besides, my love for him can never go beyond my love for her, my best friend.

Day after day, they were in deep in love. I as a third wheel before, unconsciously, running away. I am human after all, I do feel jealous thus to remedy my own heart ache, I stray away from them. And she took the same step. As she deep in love, I deep in trouble. My academic performance getting worse because I lose interest on the subject. Not only that, my solitude darkens and I lost control of reality, keep dwelling on my dreams. If only, she come to me at that time and accompany me in my world like she always do, maybe I can come back safely. Unfortunately, at that time, she had to choose between me or her lover. He needs her as much as I do. The weird part is, her lover and I share the same personality, ISTP and that explains why we both drawn to her like a magnet. She complete us in a way no others can.

Time past and thing between us is getting worse. Of course, we did confront each other. i told her how much I miss her and I need her to help me, but she cant guarantee me anything. She apologize and only that. I understand she already make a choice, her lover. I understand, I have to move on with my life, find other friends or love. I do have other friends, someone way better than her, that listen to my every story. But how can I compare all my friends, each and every one of them valuable to me in different way. And love is not easy to find, it is not on sale. She abandoned me, a fact that I have to live on.

Nevertheless, I try to move one. I make my decision to come home without a degree that I promised my family. It is a very tough decision. In that process, we had an argument, she wants me to tell my family the truth and seek for help. I refuse. I was scared at that time, everything that I had planned destroyed, every strength that I have gone and my future is all black. Thus I make a hasty decision, run away and try to make my own living without my family knowledge. Well, what she expects me to do, I was mentally unstable and she should help me not getting angry at me. Even so, when I wake up next morning, I realize she was right so I did what she told me. However, the strain between us that already in the verge of breaking finally broke down. We cant see each other face and whenever we met accidentally, we will face the other way with a very scary face. Like an enemy we had become.

After went back to Malaysia, I try to find a way in live again and I realize how much I have change. My caring self is no longer give a damn about people. All I care is myself and my academic. I do the personality test to see how much the event changes me, and the result shown me much. I did it twice in a week interval but the result is the same. Some of the trait in INTJ already in me before but not so obvious, maybe hide by my kindness.

Even after 2 years, I still can find a good ways to describe what really happen. But today, I admit that I'm not a victim and she is not the perpetrator, we just friend, very unlucky friend that somehow entangled with love and pain. I came clean with her year before and apologize for my childish behavior and thanks her for every moment that we spent together. She did the same thing. But, painfully, both of us make no effort on making up, I remove her from my Facebook friend list and she never update anything since. Or maybe she hide it. I don't care. I live my life the way I want to be. I be my true self and even though some of my friends hate me and be friend with me because of my intelligence but I could not care less.

Maybe some of you read it think I was in unhealthy relationship. I am not. I am straight. My relationship with her is a friendship that runs deeper than love. Will I have that kind of friendship again? No. Once is enough. Unless I found someone like Dr Watson to Sherlock or Merlin to Arthur. Maybe, my view of life will change again. But for now, I proud to be myself. Well the truth is I do hate myself. Its complicated.

To conclude, I would like to share some quotes I found in internet.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken." - C.S Lewis, the problem of pain

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”  - JK Rowling

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”- Oprah Winfrey

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy