Why?

It comes across again in my heart, the same question whenever I get stress. Why I taking Engineering? Why you do something that you dont have any passion in it?

This week I have 3 test in a row and 1 project submission. Starting from last week I try to focus on study but I fail. All of this thing bored me to death. what make it worse is I didnt attend almost all the lectures and I didnt answer tutorial questions accept for math.

Hidup aku skunk ni memg kelam kabut. Malam jaga, siang tdo..pas2 kalu jage 2 sebuk study xpe gak tp aku sebuk tgk cite n wat mende2 ngarut dpn komp. Tadi, bru lepas test process system analysis and frankly speaking I cant even answer 1 question.

xde ape yg menyeronokkn kat cni..membosankan..........................................................................

sblum ni aku mls gak tp xla semls ni. mkn lama mkin truk. Kat cni xde sape pduli, aku pgi kels ke x. well, housemate aku mmg ade suh gi klas sume 2, kalu dorg tau aku xgi lectre mmg dorg marah n sebb 2lah aku slalu tipu dorg. bile fikir, mgkin sbab aku xde drive force kat cni.kalu kat uni10 dulu sbb kemaruk sgt nak fly so menggila gak la study tp kat cni ntah la. Aku slalu tye diri aku, kenape aku study? ape aku wat kat cni? kenapa aku rase beban? kenapa aku xgembira?

masa aku dilemma nk amik engin or ckgu, mak aku ada ckap " ikut arah la, asalkan arah bahgia, mak restu je apepun pilhn arah" tp kenapa aku xrase gembira? no excitement at all. Aku sgt benci keadaan aku skunk, I really hate myself.

Ramai org yg seumur ngan aku, kalu dgr lagu cinta msti bygkan seseorg, pas2 senyum sndiri. Whenver I listen 2 a love song, I try to imagine someone but it appears 2 be no one. pas2 aku tertanya sndiri, aku ni ade hati ke x? Aku rindu perasaan 2, perasaan bila kita sukakn sesorg wpun kadg2 menyakitkan tp perasaan 2 membahagiakn. Bila aku bce entry Tqah 'persoalan cinta' aku terpikr, if i ever fall in love. I dont care if people said i'm desperate but I really want to fall in love, to have some1 that I can think about, that can put smile and tears on my faces.

last night, I really stress and I wantd to cry to ease my heart. In 0rder to cry I listen to a very sad song and force my tears to burst out, I did it but only for about 5 minutes. After the song stop, my tears also stop and I feel nothing, grinning and said to myself 'I must be crazy'. So pathetic.

Masa mula2 dtg cni aku ade la jugak suka senior aku sorg ni tapi sbb jrg jumpe, perasaan 2 pun da hilg. Skunk ni bile dgr nama dia excited la jgak tp hati aku xrase ape pun. mmg bunyi mcm desperate kn tp bile jd cmni aku rase cam hati aku not alive. argh..bosan...

ape yg plu aku wat utk berubah, untuk dptkn kmbali semgt blaja? wat should be my driveforce?

Aku mgkin da slh plh course but there is no turning back. Wat shoul I do then to survive another 3 challenging years? Who can help?

I'm so tired being hipocrit, faking smile, lying, excusing. i'm soooooo tired.