One Life - Boyce Avenue
You lie awake while the world’s asleep
You made mistakes and you’re in too deep
But now’s the time
Alarm goes off but you feel too weak
Your soul’s too heavy for your feet
But now’s the time
Open your eyes
And know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
You’ve lost your faith in a life that’s cursed
You’ve cried so hard inside it hurts
But now’s the time
Outside the sun is coming up
Inside you think you’ve given up
But now’s the time
Open your eyes
And know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
One life
It’s time to stand up and fight
It’s time for making it right
We only get one life
One life
One life
And when it feels like a lie
I’ll be your reason to shine
We only get one life
Open your eyes and know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life
One life
It’s time to stand up and fight
It’s time for making it right
We only get one life
One life
One life
And when it feels like a lie
I’ll be your reason shine
We only get one life
One life
iPhone 5S Gold finally MINE
I bought new iPhone 5S gold today and sold my iphone 4.
The price is RM 2599 for 16GB. It is expensive but since my sister bought it for me and I do not spend a penny for my new iPhone, so I have nothing to complain of. Thank you so much sis! Love you.
I sold my iPhone 4 for RM200 and I have a lottttttt to complain! Can you imagine, I bought that phone for more than RM 2000 (or less, I could not remember) and sold it for RM 200. Pretty bad investment I think, if we look at the number. But, that phone had done a good job in service, i like it so much thus I hope the same for its younger generation.
I have not yet explore the 5S so I cannot write the review now, maybe tomorrow.
If you from Kuantan, Pahang, you can buy it at Capital Mall (or better known as east coast mall, ECM). Go to the highest level, near the cinema, you can find many phone and gadget stores. At first, I ask the i people lifestyle (at level 2) that sell solely apple product but they are out of stock. So I look for 5S at ordinary phone store. The price is fix for every store but differ in term of gifts or discount. Maybe you can get a good offer out of your sweet talk.
Above picture is obviously not my iPhone 5S, but I wish its mine. Very pretty and luxury.
The price is RM 2599 for 16GB. It is expensive but since my sister bought it for me and I do not spend a penny for my new iPhone, so I have nothing to complain of. Thank you so much sis! Love you.
I sold my iPhone 4 for RM200 and I have a lottttttt to complain! Can you imagine, I bought that phone for more than RM 2000 (or less, I could not remember) and sold it for RM 200. Pretty bad investment I think, if we look at the number. But, that phone had done a good job in service, i like it so much thus I hope the same for its younger generation.
I have not yet explore the 5S so I cannot write the review now, maybe tomorrow.
If you from Kuantan, Pahang, you can buy it at Capital Mall (or better known as east coast mall, ECM). Go to the highest level, near the cinema, you can find many phone and gadget stores. At first, I ask the i people lifestyle (at level 2) that sell solely apple product but they are out of stock. So I look for 5S at ordinary phone store. The price is fix for every store but differ in term of gifts or discount. Maybe you can get a good offer out of your sweet talk.
 | ||
| iPhone 5S gold Swarovski. |
Color Test
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Color test is invented by psychologist, Dr Max Luscher in Basel,Switzerland. Based on the long-term research by color psychologists, they found that certain colors has been identified to cause an emotional response in people. By using the colors, we can determine how people feel and their current's emotional state. Dr. Luscher believed that personality traits could be identified based on one's choice of color.
The test is simple. All you have to do is to place 8 different colors in order of preferences.
Every colors have it meaning:
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpu
The test is simple. All you have to do is to place 8 different colors in order of preferences.
Every colors have it meaning:
Violet represents identification, whether unrealistic, wishful fulfillment, charm and enchantment
Blue represents depth of feeling - passive, concentric, tranquility, calm, tenderness
Green represents elasticity of will - passive, concentric, defensive, persistence, self-esteem, pride nad control.
Red represents force of will -excentric, active aggresive, competitive, action, desire, excitement and sexuality.
Yellow represents spontaneity - excentric, active, projective, aspiring, expectancy or exhilaration.
Brown represents body condition
Black represents nothingness, renunciation, surrender or relinquishment.
Gray represents non-involvement and concealment.
I read how they analyst emotional condition based on these colors and its order but having a hard time to understand it. If you want a further understanding, you can visit http://www.sewanee.edu/chem/Chem&Art/Detail_Pages/ColorProjects_2003/Nennstiel/
I took a five minute color test at www.colorquiz.com. When I read the result, I laughed at the similarity of the result to my emotional condition. It is really close to what I feel. I even utter some curse words, feel like someone read and interpret my heart. Its brilliant, really.
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."
Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."
Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy.""Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy.""Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
Of course, other psychologist have a doubt in this test, it is not 100% accurate, Every personality or psychological test has a loophole. Human are hard to describe after all. However, the result that I have quite similar to my INTJ profile as though the color test read my heart while MBTI read my mind and overall personality.
I recommend this test for anyone that wish to know their emotion better. But, keep your mind open to many possibilities.
P/S: It is better for you not to read or show the result to other people if you dont like them peer into your heart.
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpu
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."
Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."
Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpufYour Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."
Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."
Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
Your Existing Situation
"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."
Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
Your Desired Objective
"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."
Your Actual Problem
"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf
Photo of the day
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Its been quiet a while since I last do photo editing, and as far as I remember, I have not posted any edited photo of me. Well, I'm not photogenic and usually it comes out bad, hate it. However, my trip to Fraser Hill last few months with my friends got me few good pictures of me (I think so).
Picture below is me,well, as you can see, I'm skinny. That is all I can say about my figure,sadly. The quote I took from www.goodreads.com, one of my favorite website that feature many good quotes. For me, quotes are like coffee, needed everyday.
The quotes below also taken from goodreads website, quoted from John Lennon. If I'm going to count all my friends and foes, I bet I still young. I spent a lot of my times with books, television, laptop, iphone so I hardly make friends. If I'm going to count my life based on my smiles, I think I have a wonderful life, not because of the number of smiles or tears, but how much it meant to me to smile after all my hardship, after all the tears that fall on my chubby cheeks. Nonetheless, I rarely cry nowadays, it cause headache, hate it.
Below is a picture of my friends that join me in a trip to Bukit Fraser, Fraser's Hill. I dont know who Margaret Lee Runbeck is but I totally agree with her on this one. A true friend is someone who you can spent your time together without any single words spoken, without any need to make conversation. Her or his presence is enough to make you at peace. No words, just presence. And this reminds me of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.
Before I end my post, let me share another quote;
“People spot a big black lens, and they worry about what they're doing, or how their hair looks. Nobody see the person holding the camera.”
― Erica O'Rourke, Torn
Picture below is me,well, as you can see, I'm skinny. That is all I can say about my figure,sadly. The quote I took from www.goodreads.com, one of my favorite website that feature many good quotes. For me, quotes are like coffee, needed everyday.
 |
| Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom - Lao Tzu |
The quotes below also taken from goodreads website, quoted from John Lennon. If I'm going to count all my friends and foes, I bet I still young. I spent a lot of my times with books, television, laptop, iphone so I hardly make friends. If I'm going to count my life based on my smiles, I think I have a wonderful life, not because of the number of smiles or tears, but how much it meant to me to smile after all my hardship, after all the tears that fall on my chubby cheeks. Nonetheless, I rarely cry nowadays, it cause headache, hate it.
Below is a picture of my friends that join me in a trip to Bukit Fraser, Fraser's Hill. I dont know who Margaret Lee Runbeck is but I totally agree with her on this one. A true friend is someone who you can spent your time together without any single words spoken, without any need to make conversation. Her or his presence is enough to make you at peace. No words, just presence. And this reminds me of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.
 |
| Quote by Margaret Lee Runbeck. |
“People spot a big black lens, and they worry about what they're doing, or how their hair looks. Nobody see the person holding the camera.”
― Erica O'Rourke, Torn
PAIN
Sunday, December 22, 2013
I am not an INTJ before, I was an ISTP but something happen in my life. Something that change my view of life and bring the worst out of me. It is a story of friendship in which entangled with string of love and loyalty. It is a story of making choice and letting go.
Few years back, I studied in Melbourne, miles away from my family in Malaysia thus I found comfort from a solitude and my close circle of friends. One of them,I can regard as my best friend. How shall I describe her?
She is totally different me. She full of colors, I am dull. She lively and happy go lucky. She creative and full of imagination. She is feminine and gentle. She diligent and caring. She is very touchy while I hate any skin ship. All an all, she different me and she annoyed me sometimes. Even so, we still be best friend.
Everything going well, until one day she found her love, her prince charming. A guy that once I admired and like. When I know that he likes her, my heart ache a little. Why would he likes someone that I can never be? Is that a reason why he not really into me before, because I'm not his type. My best friend, being such a good friend dare not to like him and return his love. As I watch on the edge, I realize that her happiness is indeed my happiness so I give her my bless. Besides, my love for him can never go beyond my love for her, my best friend.
Day after day, they were in deep in love. I as a third wheel before, unconsciously, running away. I am human after all, I do feel jealous thus to remedy my own heart ache, I stray away from them. And she took the same step. As she deep in love, I deep in trouble. My academic performance getting worse because I lose interest on the subject. Not only that, my solitude darkens and I lost control of reality, keep dwelling on my dreams. If only, she come to me at that time and accompany me in my world like she always do, maybe I can come back safely. Unfortunately, at that time, she had to choose between me or her lover. He needs her as much as I do. The weird part is, her lover and I share the same personality, ISTP and that explains why we both drawn to her like a magnet. She complete us in a way no others can.
Time past and thing between us is getting worse. Of course, we did confront each other. i told her how much I miss her and I need her to help me, but she cant guarantee me anything. She apologize and only that. I understand she already make a choice, her lover. I understand, I have to move on with my life, find other friends or love. I do have other friends, someone way better than her, that listen to my every story. But how can I compare all my friends, each and every one of them valuable to me in different way. And love is not easy to find, it is not on sale. She abandoned me, a fact that I have to live on.
Nevertheless, I try to move one. I make my decision to come home without a degree that I promised my family. It is a very tough decision. In that process, we had an argument, she wants me to tell my family the truth and seek for help. I refuse. I was scared at that time, everything that I had planned destroyed, every strength that I have gone and my future is all black. Thus I make a hasty decision, run away and try to make my own living without my family knowledge. Well, what she expects me to do, I was mentally unstable and she should help me not getting angry at me. Even so, when I wake up next morning, I realize she was right so I did what she told me. However, the strain between us that already in the verge of breaking finally broke down. We cant see each other face and whenever we met accidentally, we will face the other way with a very scary face. Like an enemy we had become.
After went back to Malaysia, I try to find a way in live again and I realize how much I have change. My caring self is no longer give a damn about people. All I care is myself and my academic. I do the personality test to see how much the event changes me, and the result shown me much. I did it twice in a week interval but the result is the same. Some of the trait in INTJ already in me before but not so obvious, maybe hide by my kindness.
Even after 2 years, I still can find a good ways to describe what really happen. But today, I admit that I'm not a victim and she is not the perpetrator, we just friend, very unlucky friend that somehow entangled with love and pain. I came clean with her year before and apologize for my childish behavior and thanks her for every moment that we spent together. She did the same thing. But, painfully, both of us make no effort on making up, I remove her from my Facebook friend list and she never update anything since. Or maybe she hide it. I don't care. I live my life the way I want to be. I be my true self and even though some of my friends hate me and be friend with me because of my intelligence but I could not care less.
Maybe some of you read it think I was in unhealthy relationship. I am not. I am straight. My relationship with her is a friendship that runs deeper than love. Will I have that kind of friendship again? No. Once is enough. Unless I found someone like Dr Watson to Sherlock or Merlin to Arthur. Maybe, my view of life will change again. But for now, I proud to be myself. Well the truth is I do hate myself. Its complicated.
To conclude, I would like to share some quotes I found in internet.
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken." - C.S Lewis, the problem of pain
"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” - JK Rowling
“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”- Oprah Winfrey
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
Few years back, I studied in Melbourne, miles away from my family in Malaysia thus I found comfort from a solitude and my close circle of friends. One of them,I can regard as my best friend. How shall I describe her?
She is totally different me. She full of colors, I am dull. She lively and happy go lucky. She creative and full of imagination. She is feminine and gentle. She diligent and caring. She is very touchy while I hate any skin ship. All an all, she different me and she annoyed me sometimes. Even so, we still be best friend.
Everything going well, until one day she found her love, her prince charming. A guy that once I admired and like. When I know that he likes her, my heart ache a little. Why would he likes someone that I can never be? Is that a reason why he not really into me before, because I'm not his type. My best friend, being such a good friend dare not to like him and return his love. As I watch on the edge, I realize that her happiness is indeed my happiness so I give her my bless. Besides, my love for him can never go beyond my love for her, my best friend.
Day after day, they were in deep in love. I as a third wheel before, unconsciously, running away. I am human after all, I do feel jealous thus to remedy my own heart ache, I stray away from them. And she took the same step. As she deep in love, I deep in trouble. My academic performance getting worse because I lose interest on the subject. Not only that, my solitude darkens and I lost control of reality, keep dwelling on my dreams. If only, she come to me at that time and accompany me in my world like she always do, maybe I can come back safely. Unfortunately, at that time, she had to choose between me or her lover. He needs her as much as I do. The weird part is, her lover and I share the same personality, ISTP and that explains why we both drawn to her like a magnet. She complete us in a way no others can.
Time past and thing between us is getting worse. Of course, we did confront each other. i told her how much I miss her and I need her to help me, but she cant guarantee me anything. She apologize and only that. I understand she already make a choice, her lover. I understand, I have to move on with my life, find other friends or love. I do have other friends, someone way better than her, that listen to my every story. But how can I compare all my friends, each and every one of them valuable to me in different way. And love is not easy to find, it is not on sale. She abandoned me, a fact that I have to live on.
Nevertheless, I try to move one. I make my decision to come home without a degree that I promised my family. It is a very tough decision. In that process, we had an argument, she wants me to tell my family the truth and seek for help. I refuse. I was scared at that time, everything that I had planned destroyed, every strength that I have gone and my future is all black. Thus I make a hasty decision, run away and try to make my own living without my family knowledge. Well, what she expects me to do, I was mentally unstable and she should help me not getting angry at me. Even so, when I wake up next morning, I realize she was right so I did what she told me. However, the strain between us that already in the verge of breaking finally broke down. We cant see each other face and whenever we met accidentally, we will face the other way with a very scary face. Like an enemy we had become.
After went back to Malaysia, I try to find a way in live again and I realize how much I have change. My caring self is no longer give a damn about people. All I care is myself and my academic. I do the personality test to see how much the event changes me, and the result shown me much. I did it twice in a week interval but the result is the same. Some of the trait in INTJ already in me before but not so obvious, maybe hide by my kindness.
Even after 2 years, I still can find a good ways to describe what really happen. But today, I admit that I'm not a victim and she is not the perpetrator, we just friend, very unlucky friend that somehow entangled with love and pain. I came clean with her year before and apologize for my childish behavior and thanks her for every moment that we spent together. She did the same thing. But, painfully, both of us make no effort on making up, I remove her from my Facebook friend list and she never update anything since. Or maybe she hide it. I don't care. I live my life the way I want to be. I be my true self and even though some of my friends hate me and be friend with me because of my intelligence but I could not care less.
Maybe some of you read it think I was in unhealthy relationship. I am not. I am straight. My relationship with her is a friendship that runs deeper than love. Will I have that kind of friendship again? No. Once is enough. Unless I found someone like Dr Watson to Sherlock or Merlin to Arthur. Maybe, my view of life will change again. But for now, I proud to be myself. Well the truth is I do hate myself. Its complicated.
To conclude, I would like to share some quotes I found in internet.
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken." - C.S Lewis, the problem of pain
"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” - JK Rowling
“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”- Oprah Winfrey
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
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