Kenapa dengan hati?

Recently, they keep talking about changed themselves and they worried so much others perception when they back to Malaysia but that's not worried me.

There is something else. Somehow all of this become a burden. I feel so burden with my past and my future.

Can I wash all my sins?Can I really changed,move forward without looking back?Can I find the true light?

I keep thinking about this and it gives me headache. Cowardly, I try to run away but I know it is the worst solution. The only way of solving a problem is face it. Why I being like this? Why someone who are in top 3 in school become so stupid?

I'm looking for the answer but why everytime more questions appeared. The biggest question is How to love my creator? Love Him is the only way to become a great Muslim but how. Why my heart full with anxiety even I know I'm here because of Him. I'm nothing, He owned me solely. I'm just nothing.

Why my heart keep questioning when my brain know and understand it well? Is it because of the black stains on my heart, all my sins. How to clean it? How to clean my heart?

I'm afraid I will drown in this forever. Afraid that it will be too late when I find the answer.

Everyone keep saying they are the ones who know and understand but is it true? Everyone keep saying their opinion but suprisingly I know it already. Know and understand absolutely different. At this stage, I know but I dont understand and The worst thing is I dont know what I dont understand.

I hope all this feeling will lead to a better place, a better understanding. For now, I will only find the true of Islam for myself. I want to forget for a while all the responsibility to others muslim. I need to changed and prepare myself before give hand to other people.

I dont care if you call me selfish but I want to start all over again like someone that never know about Islam. If it is true the Islam that I know now has been stain with lies, I will find it the purest Islam that ever existed.

"Ya Allah, you the only supporter, help me in my way, bless me with true understanding about Islam."