Cognitive Psychology

Cognitive psychology is a branch of psychology that focuses on the study of the higher mental processes including, thinking, language, memory, problem solving, knowing, reasoning, judging and decision making. The main focus of cognitive psychology is on how people acquire, process and store information. The term ‘cognitive psychology’ was first used by Psychologist Ulric Neisser in 1967 in his book Cognitive Psychology. According to research conducted, it has been shown that cognitive ability is the best predictors of job and education performance. Many company and schools held cognitive ability test in order to analysts their employees and students ability to learn, adapt, solve problems and understand instructions. The questions often include mathematics, language, analogies, abstract reasoning and etc.

Thinking is the manipulation of mental representations of information. A representation may take the form of a word, visual image, a sound, or data in any other sensory modality stores in memory. Thinking transform a particular representation of information into new and different forms, allowing us to answer question, solve problems or reach goals.

1.1 MENTAL IMAGES

Mental image is a representation in the mind of an object or event. It assembled in the mind from information real and imagined, mixtures of sight, sound, taste, touch, smell, opinion and mood combined with associative memories either conscious or unconscious. Mental rotation is the ability to rotate mental representations of two-dimensional and three-dimensional objects. Mental imaginary is very useful to improve many skills. 

Many sportsmen use mental imagery in their training. Basketball players may try to produce vivid and detailed images of the court, the basket, the ball and the noisy crowd. They may visualize themselves taking a foul shot, watching the ball and hearing the swish as it goes through the net. Mental image is not just visual representation, as ability to hear tunes in our head also rely on mental image. For instance, piano players who simply mentally rehearse an exercise show brain activity that is virtually identical to that people who actually practice the exercise manually. Apparently, carrying out the task involved the same network of brain cells as the network used in mentally rehearsing.

Mental image have many of the properties of the actual stimuli they represent. We are able to manipulate and rotate mental images of objects just as we are able to manipulate and rotate them in the real world.

1.2        CONCEPTS

Concepts are mental grouping of similar objects, events or people. It focused on those clearly defined by unique set of properties or features. Concept helps us classify new encountered object on the basis of past experience and enable us to organize complex phenomena into simpler and easily usable, cognitive categories. Concept can influence behavior. For instance, we would assume that it might be appropriate to pet an animal after determining that it is a cat, whereas we would behave differently after classifying the animal as wolf.

For more ambiguous concept, we usually think in terms of examples called prototypes as prototype is a typical, highly representative example of concept. For instance, although a robin and ostrich are both a bird, the robin is an example that comes to most people’s mind. Consequently, robin is a prototype of the concept ‘bird’. However, high agreement exists within a culture about which examples of concept are prototypes.

1.3        REASONING

Cognitive psychologists have begun to investigate how people reasons and make decisions and they have contribute d to our understanding of formal reasoning processes as well as the cognitive shortcuts we routinely use. There are three types of reasoning which is syllogistic, algorithms and heuristic reasoning.

1.3.1                SYLLOGISTIC REASONING

It is a formal reasoning in which people draw a conclusion from a set of assumptions. If the assumption is true, the conclusion must also be true. For example,

Premise 1        All professors are mortal

Premise 2        Dr. Rivera is a professor

Conclusion      Therefore, Dr. Rivera is mortal

However, if the premises are correct, people may apply logic incorrectly. For example:

Premise 1        All professors are mortal

Premise 2        Dr. Rivera is a professor

Conclusion      Therefore, all professors are Dr. Rivera.

1.3.2                ALGORITHM

Algorithm reasoning is a rule that if applied appropriately, guarantees a solution to a problem even if we cannot understand how it works. For example, we can find the length of the third side of a right triangle by using the formula a²+b²=c².

 

1.3.3                HEURISTICS

A Thinking strategy that may lead us to the solution to a problem or decisions but unlike algorithms may sometimes lead to errors. For example, some students follow the heuristics of preparing for a test by ignoring the assigned textbook reading and only studying their lecture notes, a strategy that may or may not pay off.

There are two types of heuristics;

Ø  Representativeness heuristics – a rule we apply when we judge people by the degree to which they represent certain category or group of people.

Ø  Availability heuristics – judging the probability of an event on the basis of how easily the event can be recalled from memory.

2    COMPUTER AND PROBLEM SOLVING:

According to the experts who study artificial intelligence, the field that examines how to use technology to imitate the outcome of human thinking, problem solving and creative activities, computers can show rudiments of human like thinking because of their knowledge of where to look and where not to look for an answer to a problem. Computer’s thinking ability comes from the capacity of computer’s programs to evaluate potential moves and ignore unimportant possibilities.

David Cope from University of California managed to fool expert musicologist by using artificial intelligence software to mimic compositions of prolific German composer Johann Sebastian Bach who was born in the 15^th century. After a variety actual Bach pieces had been scanned into a memory of computer named “EMI”, EMI was able to produce the music so similar to Bach by employing the composer “signature” that reflects patterns, sequences and combinations of notes.

Notes: This is a part of my paperwork for Psychology class taken last semester.  And as usual a quote before I ended this post.

“Every man can, if he so desires, become the sculptor of his own brain”
― Santiago Ramón y Cajal

MBTI: 4 pairs 16 possibilities

There are four pairs of preferences in MBTI and 16 possibilities of personality traits. 

The principal is followed the analogy of handed-ness. If you are right handed, it does not mean that you never use your left hand, but merely that you prefer the right. You may prefer it strongly or barely at all. Within each pair, there is only one that you decidedly prefer, that you rely upon and to which you more naturally gravitate.

The first pair is extravert versus introvert, among the first personality ever to be identifies and measured. They are polar-opposite qualities that refer to a person’s source of energy, what makes him or her feel alive and activated versus sluggish and exhausted. For instance, in a loud, lively festival, some people will quickly become excited, enthusiastic and find themselves charged up. Others however feel sapped, drained and even emotionally numb. Within the business world, extroversion has long been linked to effective sales ability and has been viewed with favor. It has also been associated with the tendency to give off clear, easily readable facial expressions. In contrast, introverts have generally been criticized as being bookish and self-absorbed and offering meager readability of facial expressions and moods. Most extroverts are in sales and public relations positions. As they enjoy participating in meeting and work teams, and generating ideas in the company of others. Introverts are sometimes regarded as shy or aloof, because they seldom initiate or participate actively in meeting, planning sessions, parties and social occasions. In the workplace, introverts have traditionally been found in the relatively solitary jobs. 

The second pair is sensor versus intuitive which refer to how we gather information about the world. Sensors seek specific answers to specific questions, enjoy practical tasks with tangible results, focus on the present, and prefer working with facts and data rather than with imagination and desire specific instruction. Meanwhile, intuitive enjoys thought experiments, speculation and theory building and they seek generalities rather than specifies. Their preference is for more figurative, random way of gathering information. Intuitive is seen as often having their heads in the clouds and being unable to focus well on practical matters.

The third pair is thinkers versus feelers which refer to how we make decisions once we’ve gathered information. Thinkers pride themselves in logic, analytic ability, objectivity and impersonality and believe it is more important to be right than to be liked and they lend more credence to logic and rationality. Almost all organization favors thinker in managerial and supervisory positions. Feelers seek harmony, tend to overextend themselves to meet the need of others and consider good decision one that takes other’s feeling into account. They prefer subjectivity and interpersonal considerations. 

The last set is judges versus perceivers which refer to how people prefer to orient their lives. Judges prefer decisiveness, planning, punctuality, order, tidiness, organizations and adherence to schedules and control. Perceivers prefer flexibility and spontaneity thus they hate structure and routine. Generally, judges are more likely to be found in hierarchical settings; perceivers are more comfortable in setting their own hours with minimal rules. 

The 16 possibilities becomes psychological shorthand for understanding each person’s basic nature and manner of functioning in variety of situations and settings. However, can MBTI be used in predicting employees’ performance?

One life by Boyce Avenue lyrics

 One Life - Boyce Avenue

You lie awake while the world’s asleep
You made mistakes and you’re in too deep
But now’s the time

Alarm goes off but you feel too weak
Your soul’s too heavy for your feet
But now’s the time

Open your eyes
And know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

You’ve lost your faith in a life that’s cursed
You’ve cried so hard inside it hurts
But now’s the time

Outside the sun is coming up
Inside you think you’ve given up
But now’s the time

Open your eyes
And know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

One life
It’s time to stand up and fight
It’s time for making it right
We only get one life
One life
One life

And when it feels like a lie
I’ll be your reason to shine
We only get one life

Open your eyes and know you’re free to come alive
You gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

Look to the sky
Don’t ever let it pass you by
You’ve gotta live it while you can
We only get one life

One life
It’s time to stand up and fight
It’s time for making it right
We only get one life
One life
One life
And when it feels like a lie
I’ll be your reason shine
We only get one life
One life

iPhone 5S Gold finally MINE

I bought new iPhone 5S gold today and sold my iphone 4.

The price is RM 2599 for 16GB. It is expensive but since my sister bought it for me and I do not spend a penny for my new iPhone, so I have nothing to complain of. Thank you so much sis! Love you.

I sold my iPhone 4 for RM200 and I have a lottttttt to complain! Can you imagine, I bought that phone for more than RM 2000 (or less, I could not remember) and sold it for RM 200. Pretty bad investment I think, if we look at the number. But, that phone had done a good job in service, i like it so much thus I hope the same for its younger generation.

I have not yet explore the 5S so I cannot write the review now, maybe tomorrow.

If you from Kuantan, Pahang, you can buy it at Capital Mall (or better known as east coast mall, ECM). Go to the highest level, near the cinema, you can find many phone and gadget stores. At first, I ask the i people lifestyle (at level 2) that sell solely apple product but they are out of stock. So I look for 5S at ordinary phone store. The price is fix for every store but differ in term of gifts or discount. Maybe you can get a good offer out of your sweet talk.

iPhone 5S gold Swarovski.

Above picture is obviously not my iPhone 5S, but I wish its mine. Very pretty and luxury.

Color Test

Color test is invented by psychologist, Dr Max Luscher in Basel,Switzerland. Based on the long-term research by color psychologists, they found that certain colors has been identified to cause an emotional response in people. By using the colors, we can determine how people feel and their current's emotional state. Dr. Luscher believed that personality traits could be identified based on one's choice of color.

The test is simple. All you have to do is to place 8 different colors in order of preferences. 

Every colors have it meaning:

Violet represents identification, whether unrealistic, wishful fulfillment, charm and enchantment

Blue represents depth of feeling - passive, concentric, tranquility, calm, tenderness

Green represents elasticity of will - passive, concentric, defensive, persistence, self-esteem, pride nad control.

 Red represents force of will -excentric, active aggresive, competitive, action, desire, excitement and sexuality.

Yellow represents spontaneity - excentric, active, projective, aspiring, expectancy or exhilaration.

Brown represents body condition

Black represents nothingness, renunciation, surrender or relinquishment.

Gray represents non-involvement and concealment.

I read how they analyst emotional condition based on these colors and its order but having a hard time to understand it. If you want a further understanding, you can visit http://www.sewanee.edu/chem/Chem&Art/Detail_Pages/ColorProjects_2003/Nennstiel/

I took a five minute color test at www.colorquiz.com. When I read the result, I laughed at the similarity of the result to my emotional condition. It is really close to what I feel. I even utter some curse words, feel like someone read and interpret my heart. Its brilliant, really. 

 

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."

"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."

Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.

"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf

Of course, other psychologist have a doubt in this test, it is not 100% accurate, Every personality or psychological test has a loophole. Human are hard to describe after all. However, the result that I have quite similar to my INTJ profile as though the color test read my heart while MBTI read my mind and overall personality.

I recommend this test for anyone that wish to know their emotion better. But, keep your mind open to many possibilities. 

P/S: It is better for you not to read or show the result to other people if you dont like them peer into your heart.

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpu

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy."
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."
"Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally."

Your Desired Objective

"Feels that nothing can upset her or phase her and is constantly trying to prove that to herself and others. Believes she is better than any weakness. As a result of her beliefs, she comes across as harsh or severe to those around him, with an overbearing and arrogant attitude."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."
- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,2,7,1,4,5,3,0,6,2,2,7,1,4,5,0,3,6,6&p=full#sthash.JEgoRuaS.dpuf

Photo of the day

Its been quiet a while since I last do photo editing, and as far as I remember, I have not posted any edited photo of me. Well, I'm not photogenic and usually it comes out bad, hate it. However, my trip to Fraser Hill last few months with my friends got me few good pictures of me (I think so).

Picture below is me,well, as you can see, I'm skinny. That is all I can say about my figure,sadly. The quote I took from www.goodreads.com, one of my favorite website that feature many good quotes. For me, quotes are like coffee, needed everyday.

Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom - Lao Tzu

The quotes below also taken from goodreads website, quoted from John Lennon. If I'm going to count all my friends and foes, I bet I still young. I spent a lot of my times with books, television, laptop, iphone so I hardly make friends.  If I'm going to count my life based on my smiles, I think I have a wonderful life, not because of the number of smiles or tears, but how much it meant to me to smile after all my hardship, after all the tears that fall on my chubby cheeks. Nonetheless, I rarely cry nowadays, it cause headache, hate it.

Below is a picture of my friends that join me in a trip to Bukit Fraser, Fraser's Hill. I dont know who Margaret Lee Runbeck is but I totally agree with her on this one. A true friend is someone who you can spent your time together without any single words spoken, without any need to make conversation. Her or his presence is enough to make you at peace. No words, just presence. And this reminds me of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.

Quote by Margaret Lee Runbeck.

Before I end my post, let me share another quote;

“People spot a big black lens, and they worry about what they're doing, or how their hair looks. Nobody see the person holding the camera.”
― Erica O'Rourke, Torn

PAIN

I am not an INTJ before, I was an ISTP but something happen in my life. Something that change my view of life and bring the worst out of me. It is a story of friendship in which entangled with string of love and loyalty. It is a story of making choice and letting go.

Few years back, I studied in Melbourne, miles away from my family in Malaysia thus I found comfort from a solitude and my close circle of friends. One of them,I can regard as my best friend. How shall I describe her?

She is totally different me. She full of colors, I am dull. She lively and happy go lucky. She creative and full of imagination. She is feminine and gentle. She diligent and caring. She is very touchy while I hate any skin ship. All an all, she different me and she annoyed me sometimes. Even so, we still be best friend.

Everything going well, until one day she found her love, her prince charming. A guy that once I admired and like. When I know that he likes her, my heart ache a little. Why would he likes someone that I can never be? Is that a reason why he not really into me before, because I'm not his type. My best friend, being such a good friend dare not to like him and return his love. As I watch on the edge, I realize that her happiness is indeed my happiness so I give her my bless. Besides, my love for him can never go beyond my love for her, my best friend.

Day after day, they were in deep in love. I as a third wheel before, unconsciously, running away. I am human after all, I do feel jealous thus to remedy my own heart ache, I stray away from them. And she took the same step. As she deep in love, I deep in trouble. My academic performance getting worse because I lose interest on the subject. Not only that, my solitude darkens and I lost control of reality, keep dwelling on my dreams. If only, she come to me at that time and accompany me in my world like she always do, maybe I can come back safely. Unfortunately, at that time, she had to choose between me or her lover. He needs her as much as I do. The weird part is, her lover and I share the same personality, ISTP and that explains why we both drawn to her like a magnet. She complete us in a way no others can.

Time past and thing between us is getting worse. Of course, we did confront each other. i told her how much I miss her and I need her to help me, but she cant guarantee me anything. She apologize and only that. I understand she already make a choice, her lover. I understand, I have to move on with my life, find other friends or love. I do have other friends, someone way better than her, that listen to my every story. But how can I compare all my friends, each and every one of them valuable to me in different way. And love is not easy to find, it is not on sale. She abandoned me, a fact that I have to live on.

Nevertheless, I try to move one. I make my decision to come home without a degree that I promised my family. It is a very tough decision. In that process, we had an argument, she wants me to tell my family the truth and seek for help. I refuse. I was scared at that time, everything that I had planned destroyed, every strength that I have gone and my future is all black. Thus I make a hasty decision, run away and try to make my own living without my family knowledge. Well, what she expects me to do, I was mentally unstable and she should help me not getting angry at me. Even so, when I wake up next morning, I realize she was right so I did what she told me. However, the strain between us that already in the verge of breaking finally broke down. We cant see each other face and whenever we met accidentally, we will face the other way with a very scary face. Like an enemy we had become.

After went back to Malaysia, I try to find a way in live again and I realize how much I have change. My caring self is no longer give a damn about people. All I care is myself and my academic. I do the personality test to see how much the event changes me, and the result shown me much. I did it twice in a week interval but the result is the same. Some of the trait in INTJ already in me before but not so obvious, maybe hide by my kindness.

Even after 2 years, I still can find a good ways to describe what really happen. But today, I admit that I'm not a victim and she is not the perpetrator, we just friend, very unlucky friend that somehow entangled with love and pain. I came clean with her year before and apologize for my childish behavior and thanks her for every moment that we spent together. She did the same thing. But, painfully, both of us make no effort on making up, I remove her from my Facebook friend list and she never update anything since. Or maybe she hide it. I don't care. I live my life the way I want to be. I be my true self and even though some of my friends hate me and be friend with me because of my intelligence but I could not care less.

Maybe some of you read it think I was in unhealthy relationship. I am not. I am straight. My relationship with her is a friendship that runs deeper than love. Will I have that kind of friendship again? No. Once is enough. Unless I found someone like Dr Watson to Sherlock or Merlin to Arthur. Maybe, my view of life will change again. But for now, I proud to be myself. Well the truth is I do hate myself. Its complicated.

To conclude, I would like to share some quotes I found in internet.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken." - C.S Lewis, the problem of pain

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”  - JK Rowling

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”- Oprah Winfrey

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy